Wednesday, March 6, 2013

How I spent my day....

So, today I had an appointment to go looking for a bridal gown. No, we haven't set a date, we aren't even discussing a date except in terms of what year. I'd like to think 2015-2016 but could (in all honest possibilities) be as late as 2018-2019.

My outlook is this... the sooner I know WHAT I want, the better. And since my mom passed away a year ago last October, I knew starting this process was going to be a little painful.  I know she would want to see pictures of what I was picking, and discuss music, flowers, and all the things that go into planning a wedding. She would have amazingface ideas, and the sagest advice. Doing this without her seems cruel. I just wanted the worst over with. Now, Tiny is very very excited about everything. I asked her to go with me, just to see what her tastes were, spend some time, and I figure her enthusiasm and mothering will ease my pain during what should be an exciting and fun time for me. It worked. We had the best time. We laughed and joked. We found THE DRESS.

I had envisioned a tea length, off the shoulder, long sleeved number. Picture 1950's, satin cream colored class. I wanted my hair down with a wide net offset eyebrow blusher. I wanted a whole retro cool vibe, with an elegant modern twist to it. That is NOT the dress I walked out the store with. And it is NOT the style I ended up with. I can't believe I walked out of the store with a dress anyways, let alone the princess fluff thing that I fell in love with in the dress shop. I was only going to look around and get ideas. Not to actually BUY a dress. I would have never have picked out the dress I got. Sequins. It has fucking sequins! And seed pearls!! It's a ball gown. I look like a fucking Disney princess in it. I am shaking my head at myself. It is the exact opposite of what I would have normally thought I would have picked. But even thinking about that fluffy white skirt spinning out around me as I spun in the mirrored viewing room (yeah, I did that. Don't judge.) I smile. It is perfect. It makes me feel like a bride, not a girl trying on dresses. And the modern retro dress made me feel like a girl in a dress.

It fit perfect. When I came out of the dressing room, Tiny's eyes welled up. I called Scratchy at work to tell him that I'd found it. Not for anything other than a hope that he would say "keep an eye on it, if it gets down low enough, we might get it." My appointment was over. The consultant said she would put it on my wishlist. Tiny and I head back to my house. She kept telling me how perfect the dress was, and how beautiful it was. She told me that she was glad he'd found me. How she loves me. How she knows I will take care of her baby. Now, I don't know if you realize this, but having a mother tell you that she's happy her baby loves you, THAT is some big shit! Not to mention, Scratchy is an only child! I know how much it took for her to say that, and how bittersweet it has to be for her. Some day, I hope I will love the girl wearing Buh's ring enough to tell her that I am glad she's here. Anylaid, we were sitting here just bullshitting when he came home from work, picked me and Tiny up, and took us back to the store. Bought me my dress. Paid in full, and it is now hanging in my bedroom closet. He hasn't seen it. They bagged, then garment bagged the first hanging bag. He promised to stay out of it.

After we left the bridal shop, we had an appointment to look at a townhouse on the other side of the township we live in. We took Tiny with us, because it's between here and her house. We find the place fairly easy. And we wait for the realtor. We take our time, checking the place out. 2 bdrm, 1 1/2 bath, basement, dishwasher, gated patio, all affordable, all with more room than we have here. Buh can take the back half of the basement, leaving the front to laundry and freezer space. That leaves the second bedroom on the second floor empty. The master is a little on the small side, so I think we're going to put the dressers in there, and use it as a dressing room/ walk in closet. Before we left, he paid the deposit and set up an approximate date to sign the lease at the end of March. She said we get a week free at the end of the month to start moving things in slowly, and give us time to clean both places. We came home, told Buh about it. I cooked dinner wearing my new adorable apron. I made Italian Breaded chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and corn. 

I'm excited. There's progress being made, and progress means we are moving forward with our lives. Nothing scares me more than stagnation. Progress means a future, bright and shining with all the hope only the future can give you. For so very long I have been afraid of the future. It seemed redundant, and sometimes lonely. It was stagnant. I was stuck. And now, with the love of someone shy and quiet, I look forward to sitting on a back porch, watching the Summer light fade, with my head on his shoulder. I'm excited to complain about my tiny kitchen and hear how I knew how small it was before we moved and how I said it was a fair trade for everything else off my list I was getting. I can't wait to invite Nan and her mom over for card night, while Buh and Gentle Giant play Xbox.

I am happy.