Friday, March 30, 2012

As I sit here

As I sit here on a Friday night, among a myriad of dirty dishes that need washed, three loads of clean dishes that need put away, a smelly puppy in my lap who wouldn't die if I bathed her, and a master bedroom that STILL needs unpacked, I just don't have the get up and go to take care of all of it. I have hit a slump.

It has been 5 months since I have been turned out. There are many who seem interested, but when it comes down to it, they aren't coming through. Then there's the stupid one that *I* want, and he isn't on it. I guess I am just not as amazing as some people think. SADFACE SLUT. Oh and I have those friends who are convinced that he's on it, I am just not putting it out right. But for real, I put it out there the way it's gotta be. I don't see anything wrong with "Let's fuck until something else happens." Enough about that, I am going back to complaining about all the other ones.

Don't call me and tell me you want to spend some time, then not come through. I am not a backup plan. Don't tell me you look at my pics and about nut on yourself, then not make some time. I can't get together on a week night, I have a kid who is old enough to know what's going on.... and no one wants to see their mom like that. Don't fawn over me, cause that shit just gets on my nerves. I just needed to blast that out.

Oh and I recently took some half decent pics and I can't send them where I would get an honest fucking answer because boys are fucking stupid and should have rocks thrown at them.

Well... I have avoided my responsibilities all day. I guess I need to get at them. :/


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Application for a Piece of Ass

Full name ________________________________________________________________
                             Last                                                 Middle                                 First

Address _______________________ Years at address _____ Date of Birth _ _ /_ _ /_ _ _ _  

Hair/eye color _______________ Ht ______ Wt_____ Length ______ Circumference______

How much weight can you bench? ________________ How many reps is that? ____________

How long can you stay up at night?
__ evening sitcoms           __ the late show           __all night             __until I'm satisfied

Do you perform oral sex?     __yes      ___no

If yes, what level of competitor are you?
____ "That's a clitoris?"                               ____ "I've done it a time or two."

____ "Never had any complaints"                ____ "I can make a lesbian cum."

___ "Hold on, I can't see through your belly button to answer this question, flip over and I can put this on your back and finish this application."

How many people have you been with? ______

Give three references to your abilities and prowess. (Current phone numbers, and recent pictures also)

1.) ___________________________________________________________________________ _____

2.) ___________________________________________________________________________ _____

3.) ___________________________________________________________________________ _____

Please use last line to check mark those who have bisexual tendencies.

Have you ever had group sex (more than 3 people.) If yes, indicate how many were involved in said group, and how long ago it was. ___ no   ____ yes _______________ people involved.

Do you have issues with having sex in public? ___ no  ___ yes!

What is the kinkiest thing you would ever consider doing? In complete detail...






How do you feel about toys?

___ Matchbox cars have no place in the bedroom.   ___ Are we using them on YOU or ME??

___ I am too much man for you to need a toy.       ____ I own stock in 3 distributors, what you want?

Where are you in your romantic life?

___ Don't you think that's a bit personal for a piece of ass?  ___ Meh, I'm doing me, til I ain't no more.

___ Not lookin, but if it happens it happens. ____ I have a house in the 'burbs & china pattern picked

When you cum do you (check all that apply)

____ scream     ____ cry    ____thrash    ____ hit    _____ scratch   _____ moan    ____ bark

____ go hard    ____ kick  ____ wiggle   ____ convulse  _____ twist   ____ jerk    _____ vomit

While fucking do you (check all that apply)

____ burp/fart  ____ go to sleep  _____ just lay there   ______ faint   _____whistle ______ scratch

____ talk dirty  ____ get bossy   _____ smack   _____ bite  _____ moan _____ go deep

What are your top two fave positions?

1.  ___________________________ 2.  ___________________________

If this application is reviewed favorably, what hours are you available? Please circle what days those hours are applicable on. ______________________________________________

Monday      Tuesday        Wednesday         Thursday            Friday          Saturday            Sunday

Current phone number and email address and facebook. ____________________________



Don't call me, I will call you. I may be intoxicated, but if I call you get one chance, if you aren't ready, you will be bypassed for the next qualified applicant. Thank you for your time. By signing this application you agree that all answers are truth, under punishment of blue balls that will make you want to vomit.

_________________________________________________       ______________________
Applicant Signature                                                                                                                                                   Date

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Tactical Flirting.

So, I was trying to discuss this with the guys in my life, and most of them don't even get the idea. They don't understand it. So I am going to try to break it down and maybe you can give me the deets in the comments or email me and I can write another one in the future about it, with all the information I glean from your input.

Guys, are you ever talking to a girl, and she says the perfect thing at the perfect time? Or she says something that stirs a past conversation in your mind and makes you smile because of it? She's tactical flirting. She remembered that shit, she's studied you.... She KNOWS what to say and when because she's paid attention... She's kept a mental scorecard in her head of the good and the bad. (Tactical fighting works the same way, only to the negative. lol)

Girls pay attention. Do guys? Do they specifically remember things to bring up? If you are diggin on a girl, do you remember stupid little things to bring up at a later date to gently mind fuck her?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What I miss...

I was thinking Sunday morning as I was laying in my bed... all by my lonesome... I miss lazy Sunday sex. You know what that is? It's not even just one go-round. It's waking up, smiling and off with any jammies and on with the lets-not-hurry-this-lets-just-take-all-day-and-enjoy-it sex. Where you take your time, you have round one, then you take a nap, or get some food, but you don't shower cause you know you will do it again in a little while.  You spend all day in bed. You watch a movie in bed, you eat in bed, you talk in bed.... and you do serious amounts of pleasuring IN BED.

I know, I know!! I am The Slut. I should only talk about random wild fuckings in the craziest of crazy places and the randomest of random partners. I *am* the girl who had sex in downtown Pittsburgh in a thunderstorm. (Sorry Aunt PS... I know you follow and you prolly don't wanna know all that!! But hey, you are my {and always have been my} fave aunt... so I am cool with you knowing crap. lol) But my point is, not every single encounter has to be a Penthouse Letter. Right? I don't always have to want that do I?

Am I losing my Slutdom?? Craving something so mundane and pedestrian?? Can I want something so easy and domesticated, and still pull off the daring and there's-no-way-you-did-that-you-read-it-in-a-magazine-somewhere encounters? I don't want someone to make love to me... I am cool on that. I just want something passionate, and hot, even though it's not throw me on the bed and own me.

That word... I think that's where I am stuck. PASSIONATE. I haven't really had that since DB. I haven't had anyone make me feel like I was the only girl in the world for a little while. I want to be touched like I was porcelain, kissed like fire, and ravished like tomorrow isn't an option. I want to be WANTED. I want to be desired. I want to be seduced. I want to be spellbound for a night. I want to be just as bewitched as I am bewitching. 

I honestly just want a weekend where I can play house. Lemme take care of you, lemme cook dinner, lemme rub your back, lemme wait on you hand and foot... and as thank you show me ecstasy that will make me weak for a few hours. Then, you can go on home to your life, and let me have mine. I don't even want it every weekend... just one soon. Blech. I hate this shit.

Why does it have to always be so complicated? Why can't I just have what I want? It's not even like I want a relationship, I'm not even asking for any type of monogamy... just make me shudder and cum. Give me goosebumps... I promise I will be grateful. I'm not the normal girl who's going to catch feelings about you being buried inside me... No matter how good it is. Right now... I just want my weekend... Of just amazing sex.... repeatedly... just catch me up on the last 5 months so I am not ready to throat punch everyone.

Hell I'd be happy with just a day of lazy Sunday sex.


Thursday, March 8, 2012

WW3 at my house

So last night Lil D and her man got into WW3 over her keys. She was drunk and ADAMANT that he had her keys, and he SWORE he didn't have them. Hours go by, and she's getting drunker and he goes to bed. She goes in there at like 3 am and starts SCREAMING at him about these damn keys and she wants her mother fucking keys!! He gets up, and starts fighting back. Keep in mind, there are 2 kids here who had to be up for school this morning. I crawl out of bed, and go into the hallway outside their bedroom and start screaming at both of them to STFU!

They quiet down, and I go back into my bedroom and lit a cigarette. I hear some doors slamming and Lil D sobbing. She's standing outside my door, calling my name. I answer her. She comes in, and stands there crying for a minute. Then says "I'll be right back" She goes outside. Now she's drunk, and her ghetto crazy is showing, and I can't let her wander around our quiet little neighborhood like this, so I get up. He is no where to be found. She's sobbing in the front seat of her car. I ask her where he is. She sobs harder. Says she doesn't know, he's out here walking! I get her back in the house.

Now, I was married a long long long time to someone who when the fight got that bad, and an out was provided, would walk. It was just one of those things. It's HOW we fought. So I pulled those memories up. Where would DB have gone in this instance? AHA! Out the back door I went. There sat Lil D's man, on the plastic loveseat they had drug over to the fire. Feet up on the table, tryina sleep. I hit him on the knee and said scoot. He did. We talked for a minute. I gave him the second half of my smoke and told him to get back in the house. He asked me to leave the door unlocked, and I did.

I went back in the house and commenced to trying to straighten out Lil D. Belligerent, crying, piss ass drunk, and just being a dumb broad, I yelled at her. I told her she shouldn't be picking fights with him, she needs to stop pushing him away if she doesn't want him to leave her. Because that's what it is. Her man got a job, and she's freaking out thinking he's going to leave her because he can support himself now. So she's just being stupid and pushing him away. During this time, I hear the sliding glass door open and close, and him walk through the house to the living room.

She kept going and going and going. It was 4 am and she was still sitting there freaking out about her keys and him leaving and how he can KICK FUCKING ROCKS because he walked out on her. Blah blah fuckin blah. I kept telling her she was crying like a bitch and she was being fucking ignorant. Then she started crying because she was worried about him walking in the middle of the night alone. "It's fucking dark out there! It's cold! And he's all alone!!!!" I laughed so fucking hard I fell on the floor literally. Her man is fresh out. Like in Jan. PRISON. She scared of him being ALONE in a quiet almost country like setting?!?! That's too fucking rich for me. I couldn't help it. I ragged on her like you wouldn't believe.

We come back into the kitchen. She's trippin about her keys again. She dumps her purse on the counter, while I am standing in the door to the living room. She's not calm enough yet to know he's in the house. She's shaking her purse... I say "Why does it sound like you have keys in your purse?" She says "IDK but it DOES sound like I have keys in my purse." Lo and behold... her gotdamn keys were in her gotdamn purse. Because just like he'd said a MILLION FUCKING TIMES, he'd given them back to her.

As soon as she had her keys, she was tryina be out the door looking for him. I told her three times, you ain't going no where. Go to bed, and sleep. You need to sleep. "No no no, I need to go find him! There are SPIDERS out there... you know he's scared of SPIDERS!!" No. You ain't going nowhere. get your ass to bed. "I'll bet you $10 he's walking down 'the main drag' all alone!!" I turned my head and said "bout to rat you out." And when I turned back I smiled very sweetly and told her... "Shake on the shit. I bet you he's not." She was so drunk, she didn't get the rat you out part that I tossed over my shoulder, and she shook. As we were shaking she was runnin jibs about it. As we let go of the handshake, a male voice comes from the living room "Don't you take your ass out that door." Her eyes got HUGE! I said "You owe me a ten."

I laughed hard again. She ran in there to make sure he was all whole and real. And then commenced to getting mad at me for knowing where he was the whole time. She needed to calm down. He just wanted left alone. I can respect that. So I buffered for him. Had I let her know where he was, she wouldn't have fought it out with me and listened to what I had to say... which is basically stop letting the crazy ghetto bitch show. She would have pushed and pushed him... and it would have gotten ugly. She had already swung on him before I had gotten involved. She came out of the living room and back into the kitchen and I was sitting on the bar stool smoking and LAUGHING my ASS off!!! (I fell again I was laughing so hard about "Oh my man is outside in the dark and alone and it's cold and there are spiders!! What-ever-will-I-do?!?" Dumb broad. It's not like he's some bitch who couldn't handle himself! I'm laughing at the shit now as I am typing this.)

So I tell her... "You know you a drunk bitch when you lose your boyfriend in the living room... jus' sayin'." I think that's what did her in. She started runnin her mouth that she was going to kick my ass. Which incited RIOTOUS laughter from me. I know how a ghetto psycho fights, and trust... I was sober. She couldn't have hurt me.... but she thought she would give it a try!! ROFLMMFAO! She grabbed me by the shoulders and used her weight to pull me to the floor. Then she crawled on top of me and tried putting her hands on my throat. Yeah, I was laughing so hard I couldn't hold still enough for her to get the purchase she wanted. I bucked my hips and she fell to the side. I was STILL giggling. Her man had come in and yelled at her to calm the fuck down, I didn't even care. She could get rowdy... I couldn't stop laughin at her stupid ass.

I got up off the floor, sat my bar stool back up, was still chuckling while she was standing there telling me I needed my ass kicked because I went behind her back, I was supposed to be her girl, blah blah blah. I looked at her and told her to eat a few bowls of wheaties and when she's grown she can come talk to me, but I was going to bed until then. And to "Leave that man alone, let him sleep!"

Now, to some people, it may seem that my loyalty was to him at that time. But really... it wasn't. She was in the wrong. And I am okay with calling her out on it. She's never going to learn, or grow if she doesn't know when she's wrong. She wants to be a grown ass woman... She just isn't sure how right now. So I will tell her. Her and I have already had the 'act like a mother fucking lady once in awhile' talk. I don't always act like a lady... but I do know how and when to. I also know when to let someone know I am not the one they want to fuck with. I want her to learn the same things.

I told them both to go the fuck to sleep and shit would be better in the morning... and guess what? They both just crawl their happy asses out of bed and are just fine. Now... if only I can get them to help me clean this mess they left last night......

"It's DARK and SCARY and COLD outside!! He's ALL ALONE!!!" too fuckin funny!


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A what??

Since I met Nan, in a creative writing class as a freshman in high school, she has bitched at me to write a book. For a very very long time my mother would boast of my wordsmithing abilities, my sister has even told me a few times that I am a good. But Nan has been the one to push me the most. I never thought I could. I have problems with beginning middle and end, for a story line. I always start with the middle... Or the juicy parts. Then I don't continue the story after the juicy parts. I told you the part I wanted you to know. I don't care about what happened before or what happened after. I want you to know about the feelings of being wrapped up in that one moment. I don't want you to suffer through the mundane of my characters lives. I don't even want you to think of them as characters... I want you to see yourself in that moment. Yourself, and the person that would most fit with you. I want you to honestly feel like I peeked in and pulled your fantasy from the depths of your mind. Or woke something inside you that you didn't think was there. And this prevents me from doing a traditional story line. Which, a book needs, no way around that.

But I was laying in bed the other night, and my brain was on auto-pilot and bouncing from subject to subject without me policing it. I, of course, ended up on the topic of sex a few times.... Different people, different places, different times, and then on to other, more mundane things, like getting a job, paying the bills, getting things in order the right way, what I want to do with my life. And I do want to write a book. I just have no idea how to. I think I *may* have a good idea as to how to do it... but I have to write a little bit and see if I can get it to work. Maybe I will write a bit and post it and get some feedback about it. Would you guys be up to helpin a Slut out like that?? I need honesty, but not brutality. Can I trust you guys with that??

Lemme know. <3


Saturday, March 3, 2012

The first night

So it's my first night here at Chateau de Père. I haven't gotten anything done that I thought I would have gotten done. I have sat my fat ass here at the breakfast bar and played buck euchre with Lil D (My step sister) and her man. My friend beta stopped out to see the place and hang out for a bit.

The bedroom is still back there, full of disarray and chaos. Clothes thrown everywhere, a disassembled ceiling fan in the corner, just crap everywhere. The only two things I have to complain about with getting this room is that #1 the only window is itty bitty tiny. I like big windows and lots of natural light. And the decor, kinda. You know those decal, decoration, words on the wall things? Okay, so one or two is okay, depending on what they say. The one by the door... it says "Live Laugh Love" or some shit like that. I can deal with that. I've done the triple L thing a few times. The one above where the head of the bed will go?? Absolutely hilarious... It's something about a home being somewhere where everyone feels welcome. (Yes, I laughed.) But there's one over each of the night stands. Something about Love one Another or something, and there's one on the opposite wall about Family.... those kinda kill the whole single-girl-lookin-for-a-good-time and make me look like a stalker-crazy-skank-in-the-making. I still have to check the bed and see if cleaning it worked. I hated putting my bed in storage, but I enjoyed my gypsy life last summer.

It was great. Buh was either in NC with his dad, or was in TN with my sister and my mom. There were nights that I didn't know where I was going to stay, or who I was going to stay with. It was freeing and exhilarating. I couch surfed for awhile before settling with Sissy for awhile. It let me learn about myself in a way that I wouldn't had I stayed where I had been.

Lil D says dad isn't around much. He stops in once a day and changes clothes and goes to work. He sleeps at the apt. (It's a complicated situation, and it's none of my business to be completely honest. But yes, my dad and step mom live in an apt in the township over, and own this house in the 'docks.) There's so much the house needs. A decent sized dining room table and chairs, the grouting and tiling need finished in the kitchen and bathroom, doorknobs need replaced, the lighting needs capped off and finished. And curtains... My gawd it needs curtains. And I guess it's a grand to fix the pool and get it ready for Summer. I need a job. Too bad I can't get paid to just blog and facebook and hang out. Life would be so grand. I would be soooo balla.

Anylaid, I am avoiding doing the shit I need to do, even tho I am sooo tired and ready to crawl in bed. I hope Jennybae brings my bedding tomorrow so I have enough blankets and sheets. And I hope Nan remembered to grab my pillows from Sissy's. But I *HAVE* to get off my ass and go at least put the bed down if I want to sleep tonight. And since no one has done it for me... I will go pout about it now. :(