The Game

you are there, sitting next to me, hand on my thigh. fingers twitching with the longing of smoothing up into warmer recesses. I always smile and act coy. it's a game, and we both know it. it's the "who's going to loose first" game. i'll part my knees just a touch, just enough for your hand to slip just a little. i see the sweat bead up on your brow, it's cute how easy it is for me to win this. i'll sigh and put my head on your shoulder. you'll kiss the top of my head. we're trying so hard to be chaste, but it's a loosing battle. i'm going to make an excuse for us to stand up. i can't move my next chess piece unless i can wrap my arms around your neck and press the stretch of my body against yours. and i can... i'll press my face into your neck and sigh again, this time with a hint of a moan in the back of my throat. you won't be able to help yourself, you'll pull me closer, you'll smell my skin. your hands will run from my lower back to my hips and up to my ribs. and this, of course, will be your first serious move. you've put your pawn out in the open, silly silly boy. i will take it with a brush of my lips across your throat and a smile that says 'you know you are going to loose.' and i let go, walking away. you are going to watch as long as you can then we both know you will follow. Ohhh lookie... your car is right here and for some reason i need to touch the windshield wipers. you don't see what i could possibly be reaching for, because all you seem to notice is how short my skirt is. and how splayed across the hood of your car puts me at a curious angle. i laugh to myself. i don't have to see it or hear it... i smell it coming. hands on my hips again, you are behind me. pressing into me, i bite back my own moan. where did my shirt go? hell i don't remember loosing it... maybe because the feel of your mouth on my back is suddenly the most important thing in the world, but that... that's normal. hands on my ribs bringing my upper half to mold against your chest... mouth on the nape of my neck, hands everywhere. i fleetingly wonder if you grew more, before giving in to the moan that has been fighting its way out of my throat. once it frees itself i hear your own in echo to mine. i still have a few more moments before i loose. i hope that pushing my ass into you and moaning again will be enough to break you. no, not yet, but close. it's close enough that now your hands are reaching under my skirt... there i know i have won now. fingers whett as soon as you touch me, you couldnt help but to utter your own curses when you felt no fabric barrier between me and you. legs trapped between you and the car, you shove a foot against mine to spread my legs. you run your hands back down my ribs to my hips, knowing full well this will make me bend back over and arch my body. i hear your zipper and i smile to myself. i look over my shoulder and let you see my triumph. tell me i've won, or i'll finish myself and make you watch, then leave. for a second a split second, i don't think you can tell me what i want to hear. maybe we pushed too far this time? no, no no no no. you smile, like the cat in the cream, and you pull me back against you and as you slide the hard length of you into my soft secret, you whisper in my ear 'you won. i can't take not being burried inside you not one second longer.' the combonation of the two acts so invasive and yet so tender, make me cum immediately. my chest flat now, against the cold metal of the hood, i have nothing to grab onto, nothing to hold. i feel as if i am flailing in the darkness. your hands on my wrists instantly calm me. wrapped now, behind my back my hands are pinned. i hear you, whispering dark arts and desolate dreams, i can't take it... my body disassembles and is one with the cosmos for a few short moments. i cum so hard for you, and as if on command, as if the realization of that simple thing causes me to let go again. has it been minutes or days? i can't tell any longer. The car is warm under me, and you are becoming more frantic... i know you are close too. i hit again, and as soon as i start falling from the far side of my orgasm, you cum too. falling on my back, laughing like teenagers, you kiss my cheek and stand back up. you have my shirt in your hand, i put it back on... still playing coy, yet i haven't figured out a way to hide that evil glint in my eye. i crawl into the front seat of the car, and after you turn the key, your hand lands on my thigh. and i open my knees just enough to make your hand slip.... and we start all over again... 

Life is about to change....

So, I have vented a few times about Buh and his issues, I have posted about him now being medicated. I have expressed my undeniable frustration over the whole situation. I have not posted about having to move. Sissy and Midget are running scarce on room, and have asked me to see if I can find somewhere else. I am totally cool with that. They have helped me out, and have made sure that I discontinued my life as a zombie. I love them both so much and could not express the amount of gratitude I have for them just being them.

I am moving in with my dad. This should help Buh immensely. Dad is a Supreme Alpha, and he will not let a pup come in and bark and whine over his howl. And that is what Buh needs. He doesn't see me as an Alpha, so I can't pull that rank with him. I am his Alpha, but I don't do brute strength over him... and that's why he doesn't respect me as such. But Dad will help reinstill that respect. I will also be 'the woman of the house' again. I miss that. I miss planning dinner and taking care of people who need me to take care of them. Here, I'm just not needed like I want to be needed. Sissy takes care of her family.

There are lists and lists of things that are just amazingface reasons that I should just be bouncing up and down that I am moving in with him. I will have a bedroom, and my bed. I haven't had a bedroom of my own in over a year, and the only time I have slept in a bed is if I spent the night with someone. I will have some privacy. I will be able to lose that 15 pounds I want gone. I will be able to have run of the kitchen, the house. He's going to help me get back on my feet, he'll help me with my bills. But... my dad, as much as I love and adore him, is verbally and emotionally abusive.

He has this knack for making me feel worthless. "You know, you might be pretty if you tried hard enough." "It wouldn't hurt you to lose some weight, you are never going to find someone to love you if you are a fat slob" (I weighed 102 pounds when he said that to me. I am only 5'4".) "I don't understand why you are so stupid. You can't do anything right can you??" In front of a PACKED bar one night, my loving father yelled at me that I wasn't smart enough to go to a 'real 4 year college' because I was talking about being a masseuse, and it's an 18 month course then certifications. No, that didn't hurt at all. He has told me that I am the coldest, black heartedest person he'd ever met.... over a girl he was dating. I mean, since I was 13 my nickname has been 'The Bitch.' When DB and I were still married, he would call and if DB answered the phone he would say "What up? Where's The Bitch?" And I would hear... "Baby, your dad's on the phone."

I am hoping I am grown enough, and my grasp on psychology is good enough that I can survive this. I know WHY he does it... or at least I believe I know why. My dad had a very hard life. His biological father was bi-polar and self medicated with mass quantities of alcohol. Alcohol which in turn made him physically abusive to my grandmother and all of his children. When my dad was 9 or so, his dad took off and was never to be seen or heard from again. (Much to the relief of my grandmother.) After he left, my grandmother remarried. My dad and aunts and uncle say that Grandma ruled with an iron fist, and their step-dad (here on out to be Grandpa) was a hard man too. There were a lot of kids. There were times there was no money, and they went without. They got their asses beat, and they learned respect and manners and everything that made them the amazingface people they are today. (MFW all the fucking way!!)

But my dad was a skinny 4 eyed nerd in high school. His brother was Don motherfucking Juan with the girls. Dad was smart, and never got any recognition for it. Unc was a pot head who would fuck anything that moved... and was praised. When my dad and mom got together, he felt like he'd hit the lotto. (Mom was a beauty.... like seriously... even at 14 she was WOW) After being married to my mom, he gained weight, and people still treated him like he was an idiot. His self esteem isn't what it should be. (My dad is a good looking older man. Think broad shoulders, dark hair, piercing blue eyes.)

Along comes baby. I was named after my dad. And Buh was named after my dad. My mother could not have given me a more fitting name. I have his eyes, I have a softer bone structure.. but it's his, I have lighter (natural) hair, but it's just as thick. I sit like him when I am angry, my right elbow on my knee, left hand on my hip, knees spread. I am my father all over again. I have his attitude, his "FUCK YOU. I DO WHAT I WANT!" and the "Fuck you, I'm right." He is who I learned how to be Alpha from. Mom is how I learned how to be Omega.

So maybe his reasoning is... In his view, he is stupid, unattractive, and heavy... and I am him in a female form... I must be stupid, unattractive, and heavy. And he's trying to ready me for what society is going to say about me and to me... He's trying to toughen my skin. Makes a modicum of sense. Kinda. Not really. But I need to rationalize it somehow. Why else would you say such things to your daughter?? This isn't a new development. I have heard this stuff my whole life.

I don't think he's realized what he's done to my self esteem. I know, I know... The Slut?!?! Low self esteem?!?! Yeah... You guys might need to remember that The Slut is just an amp'ed up facet of my personality... but only one facet.

Now you have the other side... maybe someday I will blog about the MegaBeast (my sister) lmfao. I hope I can lean on you guys while I am doin this. <3

*BSWK*

Do you see it?

Yes, it's a commercial. It's a commercial you have probably seen a million times. Did you really watch it tho? I know, I know... It's a nice fuckin commercial... hotness all around... But go back and really really watch it this time. I'll wait.

Did you see it? That few seconds of this commercial that I would be interested in pointing out to my peoples? At 0:17 you see a beta get Alpha'd. Okay... I will wait again... ::sighs and crosses arms.:: Just 3 seconds and BAM it was done. That beta knew where he stood.

Could you do that? Can you pull the attention away from someone else that easily? Do you understand WHAT it is that gives some that power and others lack it? Some people would say it's confidence, some would say it's sex appeal, some say it's pheromones. I think it's Factor X.

I uploaded a pic on the page that I think is the ingredients for Factor X. Here it is...

Gorilla Testosterone for physical size and arrogance. Courage, because how you going to be a hero if you don't have the guts to? Dragon Sweat for whimsy, strength and heart. Fire Extract for passion, you gotta be able to take the heat. Rhinoceros Blood for that never back down, never lose, personality trait. Doe Urine just for the simple fact of, you could provide. If we're stranded in the wilderness, you could take down a buck and we wouldn't starve.
That is sexy. Add to that the physical attributes that said female finds attractive. Shake, let steep for a few years and serve. Preferably naked. ;)



I was sittin here, watching this commercial for the millionth time, and I noticed how easily that guy beta'd the other guy. And I thought... I wonder who else noticed this? And felt I must blog about it. So... I did. It's not my best work, but I am tired and my mystery burn is still hurting, and my neck is acting up again.

I am going to go to sleep now, because my time with Nan is over in the morning, and it's home to Sissy B's. Gotta pack and get ready for my move, and then my trip right after that.

*BSWK*

He's too young for you bitch.

I have noticed a rash of the 'cougar.' Personally, this isn't something I would do, it's kinda icky to me... probably because I have a teenaged son. Nan agrees with me 110%. So, we've set up these guidelines for each other, keep in mind, we are in our early 30's. Feel free to live by our list... or add to it.

If he never learned the art of blowing on a video game cartridge to make it work... he's too young for you bitch.

If his main mode of transportation is a skateboard... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Smashing Pumpkins is a prank played during the Halloween holiday season... he's too young for you bitch.

If he has to google Gargamel's cat's name... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't "KNOW THIS MAAAN!"..... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't get mad at you for calling Transformers: 'Go Bots'.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he watched GI Joe and thought that shit was a new idea.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't know who Camel Joe is.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he never pretended to smoke a candy cigarette -- WHEN THEY WERE CANDY CIGARETTES.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't remember when Mtv played music... he's too young for you bitch.

(For my Ohio girls) If he doesn't remember Sea World in Aurora... he's too young for you bitch.

If he ever collected Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, or Digimon... he's too young for you bitch.

If he can't tell time on a clock that has hands.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Garbage Pail Kids is a horrible news story from the inner city... he's too young for you bitch

If he thinks ABC and BBD could be new STDs.... he's too young for you bitch.. (and get yourself to the clinic.)

If he thinks Boys II Men is a euphemism for puberty.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he ain't down wit OPP.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't remember having to walk at least a block to his bus stop... he's too young for you bitch.

If he only remembers the R Kelly that is dumb enough to get stuck in a closet and likes peeing on people, instead of the R Kelly who didn't see nothin wrong..... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't remember life before beanie babies... he's too young for you bitch.

If you have to explain to him that it's not a sex joke when you say "Where's the Beef?" .... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Slimer is a new sex move... he's too young for you bitch.

If he never thought of himself as a Regulator... he's too young for you bitch.

If he never wished he was a lil bit taller, wish he was a balla, or wish he had a rabbit in a hat with a bat... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't know that size matters because 'Now *THAT'S* a knife..."... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Stabbing Westward is a fighting move... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Johnny Cash wrote hurt.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Candlebox is a decorative place to keep your extra candles.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't know why 'you gotta keep 'em seperated!'... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Henry Rollins is only an actor... he's too young for you bitch.

If he hasn't recycled 'It's Your Love,' and is a country boy.... he's too young for you bitch.


*BSWK*

Sit and The Slut

Sit<3~ 

OMFG....I HAVE to talk to you!!!!

The Slut~ 

???

Sit<3~ 

You have to SWEAR ON EVERYTHING YOU WON'T EVER TELL ANYONE!!

The Slut~  

Yep

Sit<3~  

So I went to the ex's ex's house so we could hang out and the kids could see each other. I ended up drinking and we ended up making out!!

The Slut~ 

lmfao. 

WHEN??

Sit<3~  

Earlier.... Now I'm sitting here like, WTF!!! 

I wasn't even that drunk

The Slut~

lmfao that's some funny shit

Sit<3~  

she was telling me she's wanted me for a long time

The Slut~ 

wow

Sit<3~  

she was all about putting on fb that we're in a relationship!! so that's when I was like....OK, time to go!!

The Slut~ 

Shit.. fuck her and forget her LMFAO

Sit<3~  

lol

The Slut~ 

for real!

Sit<3~  

she wanted me to fuck her with her dildo but she couldn't find it!

The Slut~ 

Shit... GO BACK AND FUCK HER! LET HER FUCK YOU! Then be all balla about it and be like ..V,

Sit<3~  

I'm on my period or I would!

The Slut~

\m/ Rock the fuck out 

Is she hot?

Sit<3~  

she's not bad

The Slut~ 

Then wait til you are done with shark week and go the fuck back lmfao

Sit<3~  

This is sooo some SSSS shit huh?! hahahaha!

The Slut~ 

absofuckinlutely lol

Sit<3~  

lmao
I was so gonna tell you to put it on there

The Slut~ 

Oh no.. I am callin your ass out...

Sit<3~ 

this is terrible!
yay...glad like 4 people "remember" me! lol

The Slut~ 

lmfao
shit is posted

Sit<3~  

reading it!

The Slut~ 

7 people remember you!! plus one that commented

Sit<3~ 

LMFAO!!

The Slut~ 

lol

Sit<3~  

dude...seriously
it was nuts
she was all over my tits

The Slut~ 

lmfao

Sit<3~  

I just went with it and when she started with the relationship thing, I think that was like an instant buzz kill!

The Slut~ 

I hear that honey I hear that!! 

Bitches be TRIPPIN when they think they got you on lock

Sit<3~  

Right!!
I got into it a little and was on her tittys too

The Slut~ 

size?

Sit<3~  

Large B/Small C
they were kinda nice

The Slut~ 

on the smallish side tho. 

Ha... bet you felt like "where's the tit?!" After touchin mine!! 

LMFAO

Sit<3~  

And uhhh, ya...not sure why she thought that by just givin me a little nipple action I was gonna be on lock down!

The Slut~ 

OH HELL NO!

Sit<3~  

Oh yeah...NOTHIN compares to yours!!

The Slut~ 

YAY! That makes me happy... I like knowing my tits are the best you've handled. :D

Sit<3~  

Even though my feel was only through the shirt...but I'll take what I can get

The Slut~ 

Was she at least a good kisser??

Sit<3~ 

 ....for now
lol
She actually wasn't bad

The Slut~ 

This pimp move has been brought to you by the letters H & Q
what was her signature?

Sit<3~  

signature?

The Slut~ 

Yeah, remember we had that 'signature' talk about how everyone kisses different. What'd she do different? a biter?

Sit<3~  

I dunno...it was the first time in a long time that I'd kissed a girl....maybe it was the softness of it

The Slut~ 

So basically second base is all you got to?

Sit<3~  ummmmm.........
no

The Slut~ 

did you get down her pants?

Sit<3~  

....more

The Slut~

DAS MAH GURL!

Sit<3~  

Got em off
and went down on her
AHHHHHH!!!!! OMFG!!!!

The Slut~ 

\m/ Rock the fuck out Sit!! \m/

Sit<3~  

CANNOT BELIEVE I DID THAT!!!!

The Slut~ 

I can... ::giggle::

Sit<3~  

lol
Its nuts bc it had been a long time since I'd done that too and my last experience wasn't so great
Actually wasn't bad this time!

The Slut~ 

You had a bad experience givin face?!?

Sit<3~  

YES!
UGH

The Slut~ 

HOW?!?

Sit<3~  

I vaguely remember it bc I was a little tipsy but I just remember it wasn't.....I dunno...nice?
Like that chicks shit was....awkward

The Slut~ 

SMDH

Sit<3~  

I don't fucking know what word I'm looking for

The Slut~ 

Daymn. That sucks for her! lmfao

Sit<3~  

I just remember not liking it at all!!

The Slut~ 

was she just not into it? Maybe that's what it is.... 

Fuck... I adore giving face... to the right chick that is

Sit<3~  

she was into it
I was givin face while the ex was bangin me from behind

The Slut~ 

That's the best way to do it... Jus sayin

Sit<3~  

well, duuuuhhhh!!
lol

The Slut~ 

LMFAO
Well.. I have done it without being banged out during too...
I was just clarifying...
lol

Sit<3~  

lmao!

The Slut~ 

I'm just not good with the sharing thing.

Sit<3~  

ya...I don't like to share much either

The Slut~ 

YOU can touch me, and YOU can touch me... but don't even THINK about touchin each other.
Then again... I am an attention whore.

Sit<3~  

ya, that works
I think that was my issue when ex and did the 3some thing
with other chicks
I didn't want him touching them
it happened of course
but I was kinda...ugh
when we had another guy it was cool bc they both was all about me and of course didn't touch each other!

The Slut~ 

Yeah... I am too selfish... 

DON'T YOU TOUCH HER!! SHE IS HERE FOR MY ENJOYMENT!! NOT YOURS!!! lmfao

Sit<3~  

Riiiight!!

The Slut~ 

lmfao
Hard to find someone who agrees with me

Sit<3~  

But this is why we get along so well!

The Slut~ 

AMEN baby AMEN
I am so proud of you
Just get it get it baby! lol

Sit<3~  

Ima try
For now though I'm just gonna sit back and see how this whole thing pans out
Hell, she may not even remember it happened!
Hoping though she doesn't freak out about it!!
Hoping she's chill about it
And she can become my side piece! lol

The Slut~ 

Do you think she will? She might... bitches be freaky when they are drunk and then you won't get your refund. lol

Sit<3~  

Dude....I'm totally stealing that "you could be my piece" graphic you made!!

The Slut~ 

You could send it to her in a message. Just be all sly n shit about it. lol

Sit<3~  

Nice!!

The Slut~ 

I know... I gots some game when I wanna. lmfao

Sit<3~  

I'm tryin!!

The Slut~ 

I know!!! I'm so proud of you!! 

Hey... maybe by the time I am ready to settle down with someone again... ALL my female friends will have some game. You will all be my Omega Bitches!! Eh... I am giving up hope for that... we all know I have that one friend who won't ever have game. lmfao

Sit<3~  

*You* settle down again?! lol
Ya...I agree that you have that one friend who just DOESN'T get it!

The Slut~ 

Maybe... 

someday... 

Maybe there's some amazing, sexy ass, fuckable, honest, loyal, smart enough to see me tryina pull my shit, and strong enough to STOP me from pullin my shit, true king out there that will snap me up and claim me 

ROFPMSLMMFAO
A girl can dream right?!

Sit<3~  

Good luck with that!!

The Slut~ 

IKR

Sit<3~  

But honestly, I'm sure he's out there

The Slut~ 

Not thinkin he is baby... 

They dress like kings, but they are really paupers.

Sit<3~  

He's out there

The Slut~ 

I just want someone who's going to be able to keep the fuck up. 

(I was going to put with me at the end of that sentence... But I think keep the *fuck* up works too. lol)

Sit<3~  

Finding someone that can keep the fuck up with you will be the biggest challenge!

The Slut~ 

I know. I can't help it-- I was made this way. So mind blowing amazing with the sex drive to boot. ROFLMAO

Sit<3~  

Dude...you're like god's gift to dick!!

The Slut~ 

Damn... if I could only get them to realize it!! LMFAO

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Yes, this is an honest to goodness conversation between me and one of my closest friends. WE.ARE.SO.AWESOME.

*BSWK*

Is your dream girl a real girl?

Dream girls... You all have one. What's she like? Is she tall and lithe and ice blonde with piercing eyes? Is she petite and curvy and every inch girl next door? I bet I can tell you about her personality... She's a real girl, right?


Real girls are loyal.
Real girls will stand beside you in a fight, and behind you when you need pushed.
Real girls will hold your hand when you need her.
Real girls will be honest with you.
Real girls know when to be classy and when to be trashy.
Real girls know what ride or die means, and live by that shit.
Real girls will smile and suffer to be with you while you are doing your favorite thing, even if she hates it.
Real girls know what it's like to hurt and be hurt, and it makes her more conscious of what she says/does.
Real girls will know your secrets, and will keep them.
Real girls won't laugh when you tell them your biggest fears.
Real girls will rearrange their lives to make sure you can fit in.
Real girls know how to balance you with their kids, jobs, friends, and extended families.
Real girls will offer to help carry your stress, so it's not such a heavy burden for you.
Real girls will let you be their hero just for listening.


Real girls also know how to pull off every dirty little trick in the book.

*BSWK*

I don't typically do this... but...

Tonight I was checking my page email and there was a lone email in the "Spam" folder. I opened and read it... and just so you guys know, when I get emails like this, they really do make my time and effort on the page worth it... Knowing that I help you guys make it through the day, just by supplying a reason to smile, makes my heart happy.... But this girl--- I just want to hug her. Chin up love, it's not as bad as you think it is......

Hey Silly.. I'm a huge fan.. I follow u on fb & read all ur blogs! I feel like at this point ur really my only friend... Ur the only person I've ever known who is non-judgemental...I hav recently begun having sugar daddys ... I'm a single mom of one son, full time college student & work part time. I hav consirned a second job but I don't get 2 spend enough time with my son as it is :( I'm broke & so is my family...everyone is Sooooo proud of me bc I'm the frist one 2 go 2 college in my family... I can't disappoint them. However I feel discussed with myself 4 having sex 4 money... I don't know what else 2 do... I'm already gonna b paying off student loans 4 the rest of my life!!!! I hav 2 men that I see.. their both very nice & understanding... One I know really cares 4 me... The other one Idk he just likes the excitement... Am I doin the right thing? I've always had a huge sex drive & never really been one 2 get attached very easily... I thought I could handle this.. but I feel like just giving up.... I'm excused & depressed... Its not just them its EVERYTHING!!!! I just feel like everyone wants something fm me.. No one just loves me 4 me... Besides my son.. I'm sorry 2 bother u... I don't expect u 2 even respond.. I just needed 2 tell someone.. My whole life is a secret :( Ur page does help me laugh though! Plez keep doin what u do & always being true 2 urself!!!
Xoxox love always,
Anonymous

My dearest little Deviant heart,
Do what you do baby. Sometimes we make sacrifices as mothers that our children don't need to ever understand, let alone know of. You are working to make things easier in the long run. Be proud and hold your head high that you have the guts to fight for that. Seriously honey... that's some big shit right there. I went back to school and had to quit because of my home life at the time, and I just haven't had the guts to go back to it. (I come from a rough background... I was always told I am too stupid to get through a 'real school.') And, working TWO jobs doesn't mean you are going to make all the bills. It DOES mean that your time with your family, namely the child you adore enough to kill yourself over, is practically nil. As any mother will tell you, this is a death in itself.

So this is my question to you.... If you could find one job that paid your bills, was fun, and you enjoyed yourself... would you have sent me this email at all? Probably not. I understand your dilemma... but is it leave-the-money-on-the-nightstand-I'm-getting-in-the-shower.... OR is it more like "Hey, I know you need your cellphone bill paid.... Here's the money for it...." and you just bang it out after? Really, that doesn't matter.... you wanna know what my best friend Nan says to me?? She has ALWAYS (since freshman year of high school) told me "You know, you should charge and stop giving it away for free... You can't always guarantee an orgasm, but you can guarantee payment." It's not like you are doing crack, it's not like you are slipping down some horrible slope to oblivion. You are doing what you gotta do to get what you're doing done.

Bottom line, stop shaming yourself. Get your education. In ten years is it really going to matter??

Probably not. <3

*BSWK*

Ahhh huuummm yeaaaahhhhh

So, I am slightly impaired and it's after 3 am when I start this. For some reason I always want to blog when I am not in a sober state of mind. I am not quite sure of this reason, but I'll roll with it this once. If it works out rock on, if it doesn't, they will stay in the 'edit' folder until I can fix them. lol

Completely random.... I woke up Monday with a thumb sized burn mark on the back of my wrist. WOKE UP with it. It's blistered and everything. Sad thing? I have no idea where it came from. None. And I was sober as a 4 year old preacher's kid. It hurts. I don't like it at all. And Friday I hurt my damn neck. I thought it had stopped hurting, but it started again. Sunday night I took a painkiller and fell asleep on the loveseat with my laptop open, in front of me, headphones in, music blaring. I VAGUELY remember waking up and moving. It was laughable. Monday I felt so much better.... until later that night. BLECH. I am just kicking my own ass left and right.

Tonight, a friend came and hung out with me for a bit. He's having an issue that I can relate to. To tell, or not to tell and all the fears that go along with it. I think he should tell. I told him (because of the fear factor) to email her. He said he would have to do it face to face or over the phone. I said 'that fuckin bites dude.' He's terrified of the same thing I was... losing a friend. That and embarrassment. That's a fear too. BLECH. It sucks to put yourself out there and not know what is going to happen. Because anything can happen. The Apocalypse can occur when you put your feelings out there. In the best case, he could end up in a mature honest conversation about what's going on. Worst case, he loses his friend. Somewhere in the middle is where it will most likely fall.... IF he steps up and spills his guts.

I am sitting here, listening to APC, talking to a guy I have known since the night I lost my virginity. DAMN I have known him for awhile. LMFAO!! Shout out to my Sensei... ::Giggle:: Sometimes, I wonder if way back then, they looked at me and whispered among themselves "The Force is strong in this one." And that's why I got to watch and learn. Or if I just ninja'd them with my mad skillz. I am pretty sure if word got back to the other one, it would surprise him that I can pull what I do, when I want to. Sensei wasn't all that shocked. But I don't think he ever doubted me. I think he watched me play cute stupid girl too much to believe anything I said or did after that. lol. That is my strongest game. I can play bimbo like you wouldn't believe. The only thing Sensei is surprised about is that I am single. Excerpt from our conversation last night??

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Sensei : so whats up with you and why are you not taken yet young grasshoppah?

Me: Because there's not many guys king enough to snare the queen
....
Sensei: yeah.. well you know what u gotta do so handle it

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Sounds like a Don talking to an underboss doesn't it? 'Just get it done, you know the rules. Stop fuckin around and get laid.' (said in my best Vito Corleone voice)  I had to laugh. I go by three names with him... Brat (his favorite thing to call a female.) Grasshoppah (because I learned three quarters of my boy brain from him and his cousin.) And Baby Girl... come to think of it, all the guys from that group called me that. Hmmmm... Anylaid... I am playing Miss DJ right now, and all the shit I am listening to on youtube he's asking me to pass to him. I should totally play something lame just to get him. 

Anyone up for some Milli Vanilli??

*BSWK*

I hate rant

I hate

...shaving for no reason. Seems pointless. If no one is going to be touching me, why bother? Or if I am going to be wearing thigh high socks, why should I bust out my razor? You are going to want me to keep them on anylaid.

...being ignored. I FUCKING HATE IT. If you don't want to talk to me, just tell me it's a bad time, don't just ignore me. Makes me want to claw people's eyes out. Fer seriousness. Be a grown up. You don't ignore an attention whore and not realize that shit isn't put on a ticker somewhere in my head, the score will eventually be evened.... You've been warned. lol

...smelling absolutely yummy and no one noticing. Sounds stupid doesn't it? But look... I was married to someone for a long time that when asked "What is your favorite smell?" would answer "Her." I like smelling pretty. Someone should like smelling me dammit.

...not knowing where I stand. Not knowing what's expected of me. Being unsure bugs the fuck out of me. I can't stand it. It's not that I can't handle being knocked off my center... it's that I don't know how to react if I don't know what's expected. I don't want to step on toes, or piss anyone off, take too much or not take enough. I also prefer to know where I stand so I am not getting mindfucked.

...which forces me to list mindfucks. I am reminded at this moment of a poor dear I am utterly in love with... she's going through a serious mindfuck right now. Her million miles away best friend/benny when she's around him, just informed her that he wants to 'explore a possibility of something more than bennies.' No problem, no mindfuck there... oh and btw, he wants her to give him babies too. MINDFUCK!!!!!!!!!! Hate it hate it hate it.

...cockblockers. Seriously. I'm sorry you aren't getting laid. But if *I* can, why would you stop me? Don't you want me to get mine? I wouldn't stop you from getting yours!! Even if I ain't gettin mine!! I just don't get it. Haters gonna hate tho right? (That's kinda what I am doing right now, hatin'... but it's different... it's ME hatin. lol) I ain't hatin on you for tryin to get a nut. So it's worlds different.

...judgy bitches. This goes for both sexes. Yeah, that's right fucker, I don't care if you are packin serious heat in them jeans, you judge me and get shitty with me, you are a bitch. I do what I want. You are not the boss of me. And not to get all prison tat philosophical on you but... Only God can judge me... so fuck off.

...people who cheat and give their partner some funky shit then blame the partner. It's shady and just-- well-- you need horsewhipped. Granted, the innocent party should have not let the gettin it in happen without balloons, because a party isn't a party without them.... but jebus christos. Own your mistakes.

...being called stupid. This is a deal breaker for me. I will stop being someone's friend over this. I can.not.handle. being called stupid. This is worse than calling me a whore or a cunt or a bitch or whatever you want to call me. Call me stupid and I black out, I am NOT stupid. You can say I am dumb, you can say I am unintelligent, but not stupid. It's a childhood thing. I don't care. It's a button word. Fuck off.

There are a bunch more things to list, but my eyes are burning.

*BSWK*

Time for the condiments.

Hey guys. How are all of you? I am swamped under a mountain of crap. Seems like every turn there's more. But I'll get through it.. I hope. lol. Figured I would blog a personal blog for a catch up.. seewhutididthere?

Last night, DB called me and said "Can you come over? We need to talk." I haven't talked much about the hell I went through with that situation, or the serious mind games that were played on me, and I really don't want to. Let's say I was very nervous about what was needing to be talked about. I've known DB for over half my life, and if anyone in the world knows how to yank heartstrings or push buttons on me... You guessed it. There's nothing we couldn't have talked about over the phone in my opinion. But, curiosity got the best of me, and I went. Standing in what used to be our home, with what used to be my everything, and my used to be mother in law and father in law there, I prepared myself for what I thought would be a tidal wave of emotion. I haven't been around DB in months, barely spoken to each other since my mother died.

We talked about Buh. His attitude, his choices, the road he is on. Again, in my opinion, nothing that couldn't have been discussed through Facebook, or on the phone. There were a lot of "I'm not trying to fight with you's" and "I'm not saying you fucked up's." There were even a few "I'm sorry's." I can't handle the I'm sorry's. I can't handle a few other choice sentences that were uttered. So, I used the only weapon I had. I talked about the other guys in my life, namely Ass. He has a knack for making people nervous and I like that. I knew that I had to hold on to something other than the years of laughing and love that would be the death of me again. So I talked about my best guy friend, who without even knowing it, helped me be strong. I talked about hanging out with The Boy and beta. And the funny things that have happened with them, even told an inside joke or two.

I thought I would come home and cry myself to sleep. I thought I would feel empty and hurt and devastated. I thought I would be slapped right back where I was a year ago. But I wasn't. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt a little. It did. It hurt more than I wanted it to. Especially when the "I miss this..." conversation started. And I let it happen, encouraged even. It made me feel better that there were things about me that the replacement couldn't touch, memories that won't be erased, feelings that are so ingrained that they have become a part of DB's expectations, and no one will live up to them. "She's just different than you." I had to have heard that 6 million times. Yes, she's different. She ain't me. She won't ever be. There's only one of me.... and I really really hope DB, that you realize how badly you fucked up. How someone else is going to eventually claim and enjoy how good of a woman I am.

I know I come across as seriously full of myself. But I really am not. I'm not the prettiest, I don't have the best body, I can be a cunt, I can be lazy and "unpredictable" (just a fancy way of saying moody. lmfao) But I am also fiercely loyal, sweet, accommodating, and I love to the point of worship. DB knows this. And since DB was an Alpha, thrived on it. I hope a thorn is in the side of your mistakes DB, I hope you rue the day you thought you were upgrading.

Now, I am not putting this out there to be reassured of my amazingface being. I am putting it out there because I need an outlet. And this is it. I know that I am a catch... but I am only lookin to be part of the catch and release program right now. Even if DB decided that a reconciliation was in order, I don't think I could do it. Maybe if an obstacle course through hell was set up and four or five trips through had happened, that's a big maybe kinda probably not. I'd rather make mistakes with someone new. And not until the bridge is there to cross.

Anylaid, Buh is doing horrible. I can't figure it out. DB said he's interested in going to the vocational high school in the area. Which is cool. But he HAS to make it through this year to even HOPE to be accepted. But he doesn't give a shit about it. I talked to my step mom for a little bit tonight and she said that with her and my dad's situation right now, she may be able to talk him into making us come stay with them for an extended period. This would be good for Buh. My dad is a supreme Alpha. I am in my 30s and to.this.day. if my dad snaps his fingers at me, I jump. I was taught to obey at an early age. I've had ex boyfriends that stared in awe at this marvelous talent my father has. Most say "TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT!" and he chuckles and says, "Son, you'll never be able to do that." And I concur.

Okay, I have been writing this blog for about 2 hours. Write, get something to drink, smoke break, bullshit with The Golden Licket Holder, edit, bullshit with beta, rewrite, go to the bathroom, check out making a graphic for The Smitten Kitten, edit, bullshit with my stepmom, rewrite, edit, delete this whole paragraph because it says too much, look up a different genre of music, send random 'I need to bitch, make me feel better' message to Ass, write, stamp and publish. I hope it was good for you. ;)

Maybe next 'my life' blog will be about my family... and how twisted we are. lol

*BSWK*

Forever? Forever Forever?

Why do guys always think I am after the fairy tale?? I mean, I just want right now. I want something for a little while. If it turns into more, cool. But really... forever is the longest word in my vocabulary. Forever means something to me, and it's not something to fuck around with. It hurts when you realize forever has an expiration date. So fer cereals, I am cool on that for quite some time, I may even be cool on forever for forever.

I don't want love, I don't want a relationship, I want my damn good benny. I don't think that is too much to ask... I mean is it? I want someone that on the weekends Buh is with DB, I can kick it with them, hang out, roughhouse, fuck like rabbits then part ways, and I'll see you the next weekend I got free. I don't care what you do on the weekends I am doing my thing.. because I am doing my thing. You can go do yours. MAYBE, if you can handle it, and if I deem you worthy, you can POSSIBLY come hang out once in awhile with me and my friends and my Buh.... but don't hold your breath. Not many people get to meet my Buh...

I mean, I'm jus' sayin', there are things I have to think about before I can even ponder a possibility of maybe considering offering any type of semi permanent position in my life. This doesn't include if you fit in with my friends, if my son approves of you, if I can even see being with you other than between sheets.

Aren't you in the same position? Do you really want to rush into forever? No. No one does. So, friendly reminder... Let me do me, while you do you... and don't push me.

*BSWK*

Where do you fit?

So, the latest thing is the Greek grading system. Some guys like to spout their "Alpha Male" status... but really... are they? And if they are.. what level of Alpha are they? In my humblest of Slutty opinions, there's more than just ONE level of Alpha. Women can be Alpha too. We'll talk about them too. I am Omega, which at first glance seems like a bad thing... but just hold up... you'll understand.

beta. Men who are beta are typically cuckolds, pussy whipped, EnVogue Playas. They dream of the day they can be smooth and have women fawning over them. But really, women don't fawn over weak men. A sadistic woman (no shame, just being real) would relish having a weak man.... but most women, want someone stronger.  beta males are typically shorter, softer looking, quiet, and mousy. Women who are beta are normally the dumb broad who lets the 'wanna be alpha fuck' beat the shit out of her. She's meek, unintelligent and quiet.
*You never capitalize the word beta when used in this way. It's showing the subordinate role of the rank.

1st level Alpha. A first level Alpha isn't *the* bad ass, but could be with some work. Got some skills with a little bit of game. Knows what they want, but against a higher level will fold. Almost all Alphas are decent looking, males are typically tall and broad. Females are generally very feminine or can look uber femme. When you are speaking of any level Alpha, that shit is capitalized.

Supah Alpha. Supahs would be higher, but they've got that cockiness about them that they don't realize they aren't top of the food chain. They have that extra quality that you can't discern wtf it is that makes them sexy, but you know they are... but so do they. Supah Alphas take it the worst when they are broken. But everyone gets broken some time.

Supreme Alpha. Supreme Alphas have their shit on lock. Like mother fucking tick tick. Supreme Alphas walk by you and make your knees week. They have the confidence to take over the world, but the modesty to realize it would take work. They don't know they are Alphas, and typically... the second they realize it, they demote themselves to Supah... if they truly believe they are THAT perfect, they kill it. And that becomes the flaw they have.

Mother fucking Omegas. An Omega is someone unassuming, nice and warm and intelligent and trouble. You don't see an Omega coming. He's your best friend's older brother. She's the girl you never intended to fall for. No matter what level you were, it means nothing now. The Omega is the end-all be-all. They don't even TRY. That's what makes them such a perfect weapon. They are just them. They don't have to run the game for anything more than to keep themselves entertained. Their personality just FITS. They have the most adorable quirks and flaws. They are your END (Omega) GAME. It's not unusual to fall for the Omega. It doesn't mean they set out for it... or that they meant for it to happen... it just did. The Omega will try not to hurt you, but will probably not be obtainable... Until they meet their own Omega.

*I* am a mother fucking Omega. I have my flaws, but they make me endearing. It's easy to fall in love with me because I am a pleaser, I want to make your life easier, better, smoother, fuller, whatever you are lacking, I want to fill your life with it. If you are good to me, I am good to you. I am not like this for everyone... but those I deem worthy of attention typically get special treatment. This makes me sparkly I guess. I don't do it intentionally SOME times. I do turn on the charm sometimes for the single minded purpose of getting an ego boost, but never full watt, and never as an end game. Hell... there have been times when I KNEW I could Omega someone, who I maybe should have, and didn't.

And you don't have to be a pleaser to be an Omega, we all have different qualities that make us whatever level we are. Just because this guy is an Alpha because he pays his bills, doesn't mean you aren't an Alpha because when you wrap your arms around someone they feel the safest they have ever been in their lives. Jus sayin, if you aren't happy with where you are... work for a higher level. You control where you land on the ladder.

*BSWK*

Every woman, sometimes.

She twists her being into what is desired. She dies inside, just a touch of insanity, drips of life fall away. I just feel... nothing. She screams into the dampness of the echoing night. She feels mocked.. justice laughs at her every move. Listening to everything and everyone, she can not save the world with her in it. It's got to be one or the other, she lays to be raped in every orifice. Sedates into a coma like life, trying to blot out all the hands pulling her down, down into the place where it all falls apart. The voices crying and pleading to be heard have driven her half mad over the long years, trying to be the heart of all with none, the hand for those who turn away. Done, can not, will not, any longer. Tired of being hurt, tired of being reminded how she falls short. When does it stop? When does someone save her from herself? The only respite she has is in the notes of the lovesong of death. She could have had it all, she still can. She just has to stand up, stand up against those who wish her to lie still. It will take a fight, she knows. It will take everything right now, and she knows. But does she feel that desire? To give it ALL? Will she move? Will she pull herself up? Will she walk from the the man who hurt her? Will she look into the eyes of herself, the innocence that still lives and decide that it is enough to live on, to greet the world? Will she look at the life she has and decide it's not enough? Will she go on and chase her dreams, the horrificness of actually living her life, getting what she desperately desires? Do the obsessions still hurt her? Yes. Someday will she let them go? Will she continue to bow to the one who holds her reins? Will she realize she broke a heart when she walked from the only truth she had? Or will she continue her weary way, being every woman sometime? Sometimes wife, sometimes mother, sometimes girlfriend, sometimes saint, sometimes... most times whore? She doesn't whore her flesh, she whores her soul, selling short of the glory she could be.

She stops twisting, she stands up, she begins to show her truth, her light. She begins to see that she CAN be whole. She IS whole. She doesn't need anyone or thing to complete her. She can see now, the sun hurting her eyes, but she blinks and pushes on. She knows she will be pulled back down again, but she will try to get as far as she can with out tripping back into the whole of dispair again.

Do you read yourself in these words? Can you be her? Can you push on? Can you ignore your minute imperfections to show your true beauty? I can acknowledge me, I can see myself whole... fractured in small places, but whole. I love those who are there with a fierceness that abhor couldn't rival. I have those things that create me, those who's love has filled me and made me grow. I have looked into the eyes of myself as an innocent, and he said "Mommy, I love you." And I knew he was worth hell and back. I have lain in the arms of my beloved and felt Heaven and Earth shift to throw hell into oblivion. They are the reason I push on, running away from that yawning whole that seems to slip under my feet from time to time. I know now that I can not save the world with me in it, it has to be one or the other. And I am more important. I fight my demonds.. why shouldn't everyone else fight thier own??