Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Uhm, so yeah...

There's a lot going on right now, and I don't know how or even if I can express most of it in words. I'm no longer on speaking terms with my father, or my best friend Nan. It hurts that I have lost two important people in my life, but I am never going to beg for attention again. If I am not good enough for you, then I guess you can keep moving and I will find others that love me and see me as someone special. I am tired of being made feel like I am irrevocably flawed, that I am so blemished that I must be hidden or that it's okay to slander me, or distrust me because someone said whatever they deem truth.

Oh and heads up, this blog might not make much sense, as it's going to be coming from a mildly congested and confused mind through exhausted and pain riddled hands. I apologize in advance.

Great things going on in my life....

#1.) Buh has been promoted to the next grade, and was actively pursued by the football coach. He's everything I wasn't in high school. Good looking, funny, smart, athletic, he's a popular boy with the personality of a regular guy. He's that popular boy that doesn't think he's popular, so he'll be friends with everyone. He's happy. He's healthy. Him and Lil Bit broke up for all of three days, and got back together. He's a normal, headstrong, awesome teenager.

#2.) I have realized that I have some fucktabulust friends. Yes, they are everywhere. No, I haven't met all of them face to face. But seriously... fucking amazing people in my life. I have close, maybe even considered best friends, from Manhattan to Iowa, and more. One of them is struggling with the health of someone amazing to them... so everyone send some love to OK for my best Butch's wifey. I have Beta, who is ALWAYS there for me when I need him... I have so many great people, and it does make it a little easier to make it through the loss of the few I have lost.

#3.) Sit<3 has FINALLY listened to me and given a specific guy a chance. He's a guy I dated for a month or so last Summer. I knew things weren't going to work with me and him as anything more than fuck buddies, and I seen the potential between them two. I've been telling her for forever to put it to him, but she wouldn't. Now, she's been talking/texting/hanging out with him and I got the giggly girl phone call about how sweet he is, and how she LOVES the no pressure attitude he has, but still makes it perfectly known he's more than interested. He takes her out on real dates, and doesn't expect her to pay for it all. He is content to sit on a blanket in her front yard with her bff in the middle of the night to bs and chill. He's good with her kids. He has ambition and he's close to his parents. She's more of what he's looking for, and he's totally diggin her. I am happy for her and I am more than willing to soothe her fears of being hurt again, and her freaking out over liking him. I know relationships are scary fucking things when you're steadfast in the "I AM STAYING SINGLE!!!!" mindset.

Good things in my life.....

#1.) I got to go to the first family reunion I've been to in quite a few years. I got to rent a 2012 royal blue ford mustang and drove the 5 hours to my favorite Aunt's farm. I got to surprise my freshly graduated cousin (who claims I am her favorite cousin.) I can not describe the feeling of amazingfaceness you get when you have to throw the things in your hands at the person standing next to you while saying "hold this, hold this, she's coming" because someone is running full speed at you, screaming your birth name with their arms spread. Or how fantastic it is to see your two older cousins that you didn't even know were going to be there.

#2.) I have complete command of a kitchen. My 1950's housewife is showing... and I am happiest when I can control a kitchen.

#3.) I get to see Ass more now. He makes me laugh. And even tho his life is a bit chaotic right now, (what with planning a family vacation to the ocean and all... ) he seems happy. Tired, a bit cranky, busy as all get out, but happy. (I think it might be the girl... but it could be he sees the light at the end of his tunnel.) Either way, I couldn't be happier for him.

Not so amazing things....

#1.) I am scared and confused

#2.) I never have time for my page.

#3.) Can we not dwell on the negative?

I miss you guys.



  1. We missed you too! Was begining to think about how to find out what happened to you. Couldn't think of anything so glad your back. or at least happy to know you are ok and may be back sometime.

  2. Good to see u back. Havent emailed in an awhile and sorry to hear about all the shit u going through. Things get better and hope they turn for u quick fast and in a hurry lol. Just thinking of you and hope to hear from u again.

  3. We miss you too! Sorry life is hard right now, but you should know from experience it won't stay that way forever and you will get through it. Sometimes ya just gotta let go of people you care about, it hurts, but ya gotta do what's best for you. <3 ya

  4. What ol Goldicocks is chopped liver? A fellow slut gets no love? *pouts*