Why am I so lame? I have some serious mad ass skill when I can stay detached. I have game so sick it's like a cancer patient with the flu. But the SECOND I put my game aside, I get fucked up. I end up liking someone, and I go from cool, confident, funny, together ME to this girly, backwards, half shy, diffident MESS. I absolutely ABHOR this about myself. I don't know what changes, I don't know what makes it different. I mean, I think I know... but I don't like that it's the most likely excuse for it.... I'm insecure.
I drop hints. I do things that if they were paying attention, they would see in big neon fucking letters "HEY!! I LIKE YOU!!! LIKE- I LIKE LIKE YOU!" I do this because then if he's not into me, like I am into him, he has the choice to look at it, realize it for what it is, and do with it what he wants. It's not me making the first move, but it's me making it (from the way I see it) abundantly OBVIOUS that I am open to the first move.
Like... there is a BIG FUCKING REASON I haven't been laid in 2 months. It's for gotdamn sure not because I *CAN'T* get laid. I've got one who's tryin for his first rodeo, another who would drive an hour if I let him. I also have a quite impressive following on my page where I am sure I could have pick of the litter -- men and women alike (and I have some pretty hawt fucking deviants.) And, well.... I could call you. We both know this is truth. I won't call you tho. Why? Well... I get all fuckin backwards n shit. I can joke like I would just be like "Yeah, fuck me til I am stumbling, slurring and stuttering." But I couldn't pull that off, even if that's what I am craving. Not to mention.... I don't want to get lost in the numbers. I am better than that. I deserve better than that... But I haven't been laid, because I want you to see that I *AM* someone you could trust. And because right now, the thought of fuckin someone else isn't doin it for me.
Like... I am a damn good friend... I know I am. But I am not *that* good of a friend. I mean fer cereals... I offer to do A LOT for you... things that you should stop and think about... Really... would I seriously offer to do that for someone who was 'just my friend'???? Would you??? Didn't think so....
Like.... There were a total of 7 people who got personal messages from me at midnight on New Year's. All people who MEAN something to me. (No offense to those who didn't get one. lol. I can't type that fast, and I wanted them as close to or ON midnight as possible. So family got about half of them. Close friends and you, got the rest. Maybe it's just a girl thing that I thought this would say something. I mean, the GIRLS that I asked agreed. But it's just one more thing.
Smile, is this coming together yet?? If not Sweets, buy a clue. I am getting bitched at that I haven't said how I feel, that I haven't said I am interested. I have my reasons. Mostly that I am terrified about feeling ANYTHING. It was one thing when it was the boy. I'd known him almost my whole life, there was a level of being comfortable, a realization that it wasn't going to be any big deal, no matter what happened. And I think that was 98% conquest.
I want it to be clear, I didn't want to feel this way. I also have not.a.fucking.clue. what to do with it now that it's there. And it's been there... for a hot minute... since like well... before my mom passed. I just ignored it. Which after this blog, I think seems like the perfect idea. Go back to ignoring it... that way if you want to do something about it... bet. If not... I'm not an idiot. Also, for the record... I'm not looking to run away and get married. I'm not looking for a fairytale. I'm not even lookin for you to stand next to me and wash the dishes. I just want some of your time... I just want the possibility of maybe something someday.
It's easy to forget how lonely you are when you are always forcing yourself to laugh.