So last night Lil D and her man got into WW3 over her keys. She was drunk and ADAMANT that he had her keys, and he SWORE he didn't have them. Hours go by, and she's getting drunker and he goes to bed. She goes in there at like 3 am and starts SCREAMING at him about these damn keys and she wants her mother fucking keys!! He gets up, and starts fighting back. Keep in mind, there are 2 kids here who had to be up for school this morning. I crawl out of bed, and go into the hallway outside their bedroom and start screaming at both of them to STFU!
They quiet down, and I go back into my bedroom and lit a cigarette. I hear some doors slamming and Lil D sobbing. She's standing outside my door, calling my name. I answer her. She comes in, and stands there crying for a minute. Then says "I'll be right back" She goes outside. Now she's drunk, and her ghetto crazy is showing, and I can't let her wander around our quiet little neighborhood like this, so I get up. He is no where to be found. She's sobbing in the front seat of her car. I ask her where he is. She sobs harder. Says she doesn't know, he's out here walking! I get her back in the house.
Now, I was married a long long long time to someone who when the fight got that bad, and an out was provided, would walk. It was just one of those things. It's HOW we fought. So I pulled those memories up. Where would DB have gone in this instance? AHA! Out the back door I went. There sat Lil D's man, on the plastic loveseat they had drug over to the fire. Feet up on the table, tryina sleep. I hit him on the knee and said scoot. He did. We talked for a minute. I gave him the second half of my smoke and told him to get back in the house. He asked me to leave the door unlocked, and I did.
I went back in the house and commenced to trying to straighten out Lil D. Belligerent, crying, piss ass drunk, and just being a dumb broad, I yelled at her. I told her she shouldn't be picking fights with him, she needs to stop pushing him away if she doesn't want him to leave her. Because that's what it is. Her man got a job, and she's freaking out thinking he's going to leave her because he can support himself now. So she's just being stupid and pushing him away. During this time, I hear the sliding glass door open and close, and him walk through the house to the living room.
She kept going and going and going. It was 4 am and she was still sitting there freaking out about her keys and him leaving and how he can KICK FUCKING ROCKS because he walked out on her. Blah blah fuckin blah. I kept telling her she was crying like a bitch and she was being fucking ignorant. Then she started crying because she was worried about him walking in the middle of the night alone. "It's fucking dark out there! It's cold! And he's all alone!!!!" I laughed so fucking hard I fell on the floor literally. Her man is fresh out. Like in Jan. PRISON. She scared of him being ALONE in a quiet almost country like setting?!?! That's too fucking rich for me. I couldn't help it. I ragged on her like you wouldn't believe.
We come back into the kitchen. She's trippin about her keys again. She dumps her purse on the counter, while I am standing in the door to the living room. She's not calm enough yet to know he's in the house. She's shaking her purse... I say "Why does it sound like you have keys in your purse?" She says "IDK but it DOES sound like I have keys in my purse." Lo and behold... her gotdamn keys were in her gotdamn purse. Because just like he'd said a MILLION FUCKING TIMES, he'd given them back to her.
As soon as she had her keys, she was tryina be out the door looking for him. I told her three times, you ain't going no where. Go to bed, and sleep. You need to sleep. "No no no, I need to go find him! There are SPIDERS out there... you know he's scared of SPIDERS!!" No. You ain't going nowhere. get your ass to bed. "I'll bet you $10 he's walking down 'the main drag' all alone!!" I turned my head and said "bout to rat you out." And when I turned back I smiled very sweetly and told her... "Shake on the shit. I bet you he's not." She was so drunk, she didn't get the rat you out part that I tossed over my shoulder, and she shook. As we were shaking she was runnin jibs about it. As we let go of the handshake, a male voice comes from the living room "Don't you take your ass out that door." Her eyes got HUGE! I said "You owe me a ten."
I laughed hard again. She ran in there to make sure he was all whole and real. And then commenced to getting mad at me for knowing where he was the whole time. She needed to calm down. He just wanted left alone. I can respect that. So I buffered for him. Had I let her know where he was, she wouldn't have fought it out with me and listened to what I had to say... which is basically stop letting the crazy ghetto bitch show. She would have pushed and pushed him... and it would have gotten ugly. She had already swung on him before I had gotten involved. She came out of the living room and back into the kitchen and I was sitting on the bar stool smoking and LAUGHING my ASS off!!! (I fell again I was laughing so hard about "Oh my man is outside in the dark and alone and it's cold and there are spiders!! What-ever-will-I-do?!?" Dumb broad. It's not like he's some bitch who couldn't handle himself! I'm laughing at the shit now as I am typing this.)
So I tell her... "You know you a drunk bitch when you lose your boyfriend in the living room... jus' sayin'." I think that's what did her in. She started runnin her mouth that she was going to kick my ass. Which incited RIOTOUS laughter from me. I know how a ghetto psycho fights, and trust... I was sober. She couldn't have hurt me.... but she thought she would give it a try!! ROFLMMFAO! She grabbed me by the shoulders and used her weight to pull me to the floor. Then she crawled on top of me and tried putting her hands on my throat. Yeah, I was laughing so hard I couldn't hold still enough for her to get the purchase she wanted. I bucked my hips and she fell to the side. I was STILL giggling. Her man had come in and yelled at her to calm the fuck down, I didn't even care. She could get rowdy... I couldn't stop laughin at her stupid ass.
I got up off the floor, sat my bar stool back up, was still chuckling while she was standing there telling me I needed my ass kicked because I went behind her back, I was supposed to be her girl, blah blah blah. I looked at her and told her to eat a few bowls of wheaties and when she's grown she can come talk to me, but I was going to bed until then. And to "Leave that man alone, let him sleep!"
Now, to some people, it may seem that my loyalty was to him at that time. But really... it wasn't. She was in the wrong. And I am okay with calling her out on it. She's never going to learn, or grow if she doesn't know when she's wrong. She wants to be a grown ass woman... She just isn't sure how right now. So I will tell her. Her and I have already had the 'act like a mother fucking lady once in awhile' talk. I don't always act like a lady... but I do know how and when to. I also know when to let someone know I am not the one they want to fuck with. I want her to learn the same things.
I told them both to go the fuck to sleep and shit would be better in the morning... and guess what? They both just crawl their happy asses out of bed and are just fine. Now... if only I can get them to help me clean this mess they left last night......
"It's DARK and SCARY and COLD outside!! He's ALL ALONE!!!" too fuckin funny!