Friday, December 16, 2011

I don't think I am a strong woman. Intelligent, a little. Mouthy and opinionated, absolutely. Strong, notsomuch. Many of my friends think I am, and tell me I am. But in reality, I see myself as just lil ole me. I do know one thing... I need a strong person to stand next to me. I am a handful. I know this. I am spoiled and bitchy and have no problem fighting against someone who expects me to do this, that or the other thing. I prefer to move when I want, and *I* am the bossy one. It's hard to find someone who knows how to work around that.

Some guys try to be alpha dog, most times, this act is met with AlphaBitch. She is the one that will break your balls for the giggle of it. Maybe it's how they come off with it. When they literally come at me with the "I am the Alpha, you will bow to me." Yeah, not going to happen sweetheart. I am going to flaunt everything you know you want and when I give you tastes, it's only going to be enough to make you fall in love. That way, when I break yo' ass, you will definitely know what ALPHA means. AlphaBitch is the maneater, she don't give a fuck about you and where you THINK you fit on the food chain. SHE is the top fuckin dawg, and will sit your puppy ass on the porch while she runs the neighborhood. She does it cause she fuckin can, and because she has FUN while doing it. It's to prove a point, point being DON'T.FUCK.WITH.ME. People get shit twisted, and they think because I am little and sweet they can make me do as they say. Psshhaawww riiiiiiiiiiight. I don't care how good looking you are, or how smart you are. Your cock could be dipped in gold and diamond encrusted, and I will STILL use and abuse you and walk away throwin up the two's, while you are laying there in a pool of tears beggin me to stay.

But on RARE occasions, there's that guy... that one guy who is Alpha. True Alpha... he doesn't have to say it, you can SMELL it on him. THAT gets me hot. This alpha is a panty drencher. He's the one you have to be careful playing cat and mouse with. If you mouse too long, he's disinterested. If you don't mouse long enough, you become a cumdumpster for a night and he's the one with deuces up while you're shaking and scratchin like a junkie. I have, fortunately, never been smacked down like this. But I have seen some of the baddest bitches I know become king-junkies.

Right now, I only know of one true Alpha. I keep him at arm's length... at least I try to. Rí is about thisclose to makin me a wanton bitch. I can't fuckin help it. Out of the many guys I know, he's the only one I can say, without a doubt, has a hope of handling me. I thought there were others, but after some time and some thought... I realized the ones I thought were kings among men, were nothing more than peasants dressed above their stations. Rí, on the other hand, is an unassuming guy. Just a regular joe on the surface, but after one decent conversation with him, I knew I would have him. For an hour, for one night, for a while, for the rest of my life... one way or another... I would claim him. I don't just mean physically, or emotionally. I want to steal a piece of him. I want to imprint me on him somewhere, I want to randomly pop in his head. I want him just as wet for me as I am for him.

When the realization hits that 'THIS GUY' isn't what I want/need/thought, I always go back to lusting after Rí. That should've told me something, but in true me fashion, I ignored and just lusted. Until this thing about The Boy, then I put some thought into Rí. LOTS of thought, and some fantasy, and a few pretty hot writhing sessions under my own hand. And I brought it up to a few friends, then I actually started talking about maybe just maybe....

A few guys in my life, say he's got something for me. My brother says it's feelings. Basically they all think he's already wet for me. A few of my female friends say he's twisted, but he doesn't trust me, and that I need to just lay it out there how I feel. But really?? Rí is the kind of guy that would laugh, fuck with my head, and make me a king-junkie. Why would I want to catch someone like that?? You just don't get it do you?? The fact that he could seriously have the power to fuck with my head, and possibly hurt me, intrigues me. He is T-R-O-U-B-L-E devilish smile and all. I don't want hurt, no one wants that. There's some cliche that fits here but right now I am thinking of his hands pressing me into him. Forgive me for being a little brain dead in that aspect.

I wish I knew what it was about him that makes me want to bow. I want to submit to him, let him have his way. I want him to be the one to break me. I want to be the one to break him. I want this craving to be slaked, to know that I won't go hungry, I will finally be sated. I need someone strong enough to hold me down, someone serious enough to balance my silly, but someone soft enough to kiss my forehead and let me nuzzle my face into them when I am scared, and funny enough to keep me laughin. Rí is the guy I asked Santa for. He just doesn't realize it. And if he would just say he was interested in something with me, he would have no reason to not trust me. I may be slutty, I may flirt and put it out there that I am play on playa playa (I am pimp) but for Rí, I would be girl next door when it came to that. I am loyal to a fault when it's reciprocated.

There is a time and a place to have this kind of fun... but when there is a possibility of something, you cowgirl up. I've been single for a long time. I am terrified of anything more than a steady piece, but I would brave it for Rí. I wish I could tell him that. Honestly I probably coulda blasted his name out on here, cause I don't think he reads my blog like I'd like him to. Or maybe he does, maybe he is that into me, and I am just being stupid. I don't fuckin know anymore. I am a touch old school and I think the guy should be the one to put himself out there first. I've been through a lot in the past almost two years, and I'll be damned if I put myself out there to be told "Sorry, but you just aren't what I am looking for... we can stay friends tho." Buuuuuuullllll fuckin shit. I don't get friend zoned. I'll be gotdamned. I am everything that could make this guy happy. I just need to figure out how to get him to see it too. Fucked up thing is, I want to do it honest. No games, no bullshit, no faux coy chess moves, just being me. Just plain lil ole me.

Because that's all I am... under all of it... Just lil ole me.


  1. Oh, sister. You and I are in the same boat right now. I *think* I may have found someone I could be crazy about & it scares the hell out of me. On the other hand, I don't want to step too far out on that limb and have it break. And he's juuuuuust right. Wowzers! Bingo! Yahtzee!

    PTTP, Goldi

  2. love your facebook page...enjoyed reading this...cumdumpster cracked me up....i was in and out of a few bad relationships...when i got real..and honest...smoking bitch side...just me...well he came along and we celebrated our 2 anniversary...being married to him, is like being totally cool with me...if that makes sense...he likes my oddness.and that other flirty side of rocks :) keep writing and posting make me smile daily :)

  3. love it!! you are truely wonderful Slut!

  4. i have nothing witty to interject. i loved this blog <3

  5. Tell him. You gotta, or you'll just be repeating the Boy's fatal error....

  6. Gave in to my Alpha. I was cool, and fun to hang with according to what he rold his friends. As soon as we played out every fantasy in his book I became invisible to him and just another one of his "had that" women. Don't ever think a playa can change. They don't. Sometimes they just learn how to play the game better than we ever could.

  7. You can't pimp a pimp baby. I smell game when it's ran. This Alpha has that spot inside, just like they all do, that you have to find where the game stops and it's all them in their insecurities. And you love THAT guy.

  8. Trust me...when they feel it they stop play and make their move...period!!!! So if you can enjoy the game with him as long as it lasts and nothing more than it. So simple.