Color me Confused

Get off me, I like being colored different emotions. It sounds more fun than just BEING confused. Almost like I stood there and let someone paint me in a different light, and I feel the paint as an emotion. Doesn't that sound divine?? I think it does.

I really am just ready to throw every hope I had for The Boy out the window. I kinda feel like I am just being pulled along, kept on the burner until he sees where things are with him and her. I thought for sure that I wouldn't care about him string'n me. I specifically recall a conversation I had with Ass, it was awhile ago and The Boy was still very spoken for. He'd asked me if I trusted The Boy to not string me, and I said "Yeah, but no. I think he's already strung me. Scary enough, I think I am okay with it." Ass laughed at me, and told me I was going to get hurt. We both abide by the ideology that if you catch feelings, it's as bad as catching clap. I caught feelings. I know I did. It's not as bad as it could be, but the point is I caught 'em. So it kinda hurts with the back and forth. I hate not knowing where I stand. I am about one misstep from finding someone else to crush on. Seriously.

My main issue is that I have a raging sex drive. To the point that I have even named it. I call her Queen Lillith. Because she's all about never being sated, always rampaging, always devouring. If I *did* act on every time she needed fed, I would be in bed 24/7... or on a counter, in a car, in the shower, in the front yard, at the mall, in the middle of the street, basically once I was done, I would be revved for AGAIN! I have a hard time finding someone who can keep up. They all talk a damn good game, but they fuck a few times then are done, or we just aren't compatible to be around each other much. I think that's a big reason I want a steady guy. That way I am only hurting ONE person with dehydration, exhaustion and starvation. (I'll feed him well... but I don't think he'll ever really fill up on it.) That and all the set up is already done, and all I have to do is say "Hai... Wanna?"

But I am tired of being told one thing one moment then something different the next. I've been there, done that... and I am cool on doin it again. Told "We're done, we're over." then statuses posted "Spending time with SOS <3" Seriously?? Wow. Aight. Good thing I didn't go all out and really put myself into what I was feelin for you. Ten to one baby, she's going to pull this shit again. And you're going to realize that I really was everything you'd hoped she'd be. Yes, I hid parts of me from you. I do to every guy I am interested in. It sounds like game when I put those things out there. But truthfully, I am that girl who strives to take care of the ones she loves. Dinner on the table, back rubs after a hard days' work, homemade chicken noodlie soup when you're sick... That's me when I'm treated right. No, I didn't tell you that about me... why the fuck would I?? First off you should know that already. Second, we both know that had I put that out there, you would have thought I was runnin a game and would have ignored it. So I didn't put it out there.

So now I need to find a new object to lust after, because I am not being put on the back burner for anyone. No matter how long I have known them, no matter how good looking they are, no matter how much money they make. I'll be damned. I am an amazing person. I have a warm heart and I want nothing more than to have someone to take care of. But if I can't find exactly what I want... I am perfectly okay with being single. I refuse to settle.

Well... I am playing Words with Friends and getting STOMPED by Ass. I need to pay better attention.

*BSWK*