Saturday, December 3, 2011

Color me Confused

Get off me, I like being colored different emotions. It sounds more fun than just BEING confused. Almost like I stood there and let someone paint me in a different light, and I feel the paint as an emotion. Doesn't that sound divine?? I think it does.

I really am just ready to throw every hope I had for The Boy out the window. I kinda feel like I am just being pulled along, kept on the burner until he sees where things are with him and her. I thought for sure that I wouldn't care about him string'n me. I specifically recall a conversation I had with Ass, it was awhile ago and The Boy was still very spoken for. He'd asked me if I trusted The Boy to not string me, and I said "Yeah, but no. I think he's already strung me. Scary enough, I think I am okay with it." Ass laughed at me, and told me I was going to get hurt. We both abide by the ideology that if you catch feelings, it's as bad as catching clap. I caught feelings. I know I did. It's not as bad as it could be, but the point is I caught 'em. So it kinda hurts with the back and forth. I hate not knowing where I stand. I am about one misstep from finding someone else to crush on. Seriously.

My main issue is that I have a raging sex drive. To the point that I have even named it. I call her Queen Lillith. Because she's all about never being sated, always rampaging, always devouring. If I *did* act on every time she needed fed, I would be in bed 24/7... or on a counter, in a car, in the shower, in the front yard, at the mall, in the middle of the street, basically once I was done, I would be revved for AGAIN! I have a hard time finding someone who can keep up. They all talk a damn good game, but they fuck a few times then are done, or we just aren't compatible to be around each other much. I think that's a big reason I want a steady guy. That way I am only hurting ONE person with dehydration, exhaustion and starvation. (I'll feed him well... but I don't think he'll ever really fill up on it.) That and all the set up is already done, and all I have to do is say "Hai... Wanna?"

But I am tired of being told one thing one moment then something different the next. I've been there, done that... and I am cool on doin it again. Told "We're done, we're over." then statuses posted "Spending time with SOS <3" Seriously?? Wow. Aight. Good thing I didn't go all out and really put myself into what I was feelin for you. Ten to one baby, she's going to pull this shit again. And you're going to realize that I really was everything you'd hoped she'd be. Yes, I hid parts of me from you. I do to every guy I am interested in. It sounds like game when I put those things out there. But truthfully, I am that girl who strives to take care of the ones she loves. Dinner on the table, back rubs after a hard days' work, homemade chicken noodlie soup when you're sick... That's me when I'm treated right. No, I didn't tell you that about me... why the fuck would I?? First off you should know that already. Second, we both know that had I put that out there, you would have thought I was runnin a game and would have ignored it. So I didn't put it out there.

So now I need to find a new object to lust after, because I am not being put on the back burner for anyone. No matter how long I have known them, no matter how good looking they are, no matter how much money they make. I'll be damned. I am an amazing person. I have a warm heart and I want nothing more than to have someone to take care of. But if I can't find exactly what I want... I am perfectly okay with being single. I refuse to settle.

Well... I am playing Words with Friends and getting STOMPED by Ass. I need to pay better attention.



  1. If you have an iTouch, download Descrambler. It helps with Words. I play and found out some people I was playing against used it to track the entire game and was stomping me, until I ran it on them. As for The Boy, sounds like he wants the best of both worlds. My husband tried that and left the other girl out in the cold (yay for me, bad for her, and double bad for him once I found out). Stay true to you, fuck the people who can't/won't make time for you.

  2. He told me how he was beating me... And he'll keep beating me cause he's ASS! Until I get better at it (I just started playing it.) I need to find a game he's not so good at so I can stomp him. lol

  3. I also sometimes use the website It's a good place to get help if you're getting stomped.

  4. ahh ahhh ahhh cheater :P

  5. SO, what is it with men? I am learning I am also boy brained and I want just one guy to get freaky with - daily. No games! I'm putting myself out there, being honest as hell and I'm getting back lines, dribble, mindcontrol. I feel you my queen. Get to know me and you won't be disappointed. Dance with me and I'll blow your mind. Play with my soul and I'm gone. XOXOXO

  6. I wish I could *like* that comment!!

  7. Personally, I'm about one more heartbreak away from turning into a heartless maneater. There's this friend of mine I kind of wrecked back before I knew what love was-now that I understand exactly what it was I lost, it's like he's scared of me. . .yet he still sometimes acts like he still loves me. I hate mixed signals.

    And he's the only male I've ever met who epitomizes not one, but every trait I seek in guys. If he doesn't give me another chance, I don't think I've got it in me to look for another.

    That, and my inner bitch is just screaming to wrap half of New York around my little finger. And all the others too, except I'll save the middle for someone else.