The history of THE Boy.

Some of you haven't been very supportive of THE Boy... Hatin on him, and he doesn't even know he should be defending himself... LOL!! I know, it's because most of you don't want me hurt. But Imma big girl, and I like him. Top that off with, I am prepared for this to go no where, do nothing and just be a memory at some point in our friendship.

I mentioned earlier that him and I were friends like from the time we were 12 to when we were like 17/18. He was my *best* friend. Him and I were ALWAYS hangin out. He only lived a few blocks up from me, and he'd just walk down and we'd sit on the front porch listen to the radio, or go in and watch tv or whatever. Around 14, I kissed him. I thought maybe he liked me, and I figured I would make the first move, for the first time in my young life. He kissed me back... But the next morning at the bus stop, he didn't speak to me. So I didn't speak to him, ball in his damn court. I expected him to either a.) sack up and tell me he wasn't interested or b.) ask me out. Neither happened. For about a week, we were severely AWKWARD with each other. After that, we were back to being us. I could call him whenever and say "come chill." He'd come chill. I always still liked him, he made me feel safe. I knew he was watching out for me. Nothing was ever said again about the kiss, but I was always a little ego slapped cause he ignored it. He dipped out when I was around 17. I didn't really knew why, but at 17, I had a new baby, and was doin the grown up thing. He was still partying and being young. That's what I attributed his absence to. But I knew I missed him.

Fast forward 11 or 12 years, I'm working as a cashier at a large retail store. I was on the 'only the worms get up this fucking early' shift. So, it was early enough that I could stand and bullshit with my customers without having a line. This guy comes up, and throws some crap on the belt, and I start ringin him out. I actually LOOKED at him, those who work in a position like that know what I mean. But I LOOKED at this guy. I immediately grinned at him, and inferred a very old joke between us. It took him a second (I look nothing like I looked then) and he grinned back. We talked for a few minutes, and he left. Now, the whole time he was standing there talking to me, all I could do was think 'I shoulda fucked you when I was single.' As I have mentioned... he's a side of LAWD HELP ME! wrapped in a double layer of Oh fuck me please!! He is FINE. I seen him a few times at the store, but that's all I knew of him for a long time, he never really even TRIED to keep in touch after seeing me that day.

January, this year. I am halfway through my year of hell. My marriage had fallen apart and the douche I had put my best years into was playing me for a fool. My FB would text me my notifications. I was laying in bed, depressed, hurt, angry, and my phone went off. Facefuck. THE Boy had sent me a friend request. I hadn't seen him at work for a while. He'd never tried calling me. Nothing. But when that notification came through, I was pretty happy. Saying that now, sounds weird. But he was the only guy I had ever trusted in my life. He had been my best friend. I figured he was making the effort now, he was serious about being my friend again. We started catching up, reviving our friendship. He worked midnights, and has a boring job. So we would text or talk on the phone all night. He was engaged. He was doing okay for himself. Had been in some trouble. Oh and was in love with me back then, and that's why he lost contact. His family was doing---

....

Wait. What was that?? Let's go back.... He left my life because he had been IN LOVE WITH ME?? Turns out, yet again, I was some boy's first love and he, stupidly, never did anything about it. Some of the nights I called and said "let's chill" he was with his random girl and would be getting ready to dick her down, and he'd bounce out on her to come kick it with me. I NEVER EVEN KNEW HE HAD GIRLFRIENDS!! When he laid all this on me, I was informed that I was also his first kiss. He would stand his girlfriends up for me. He hid girlfriends from me, because he didn't want me to think he was a jerk. Looking back, it all makes sense, and I was blind to it. But like I tell him all the time... After that first kiss... the ball was in his court. HE was the one who decided to put it down and go play another game. In all that time, I had never considered that there was a third option to manning up or asking me out. It turns out it was c.) he was so shocked that I liked him back, he didn't know what to do.

THE Boy had stayed in my life waiting for the perfect time to tell me how he felt about me. The perfect time never came. Once, there was almost a something... but someone else got involved and I ended up going to bed alone while he had closet fun with one of my friends. For over 3 years he waited. Finally he left because he thought I was finally happy. He let go of me. He went and lived his life. He left because he thought I had what I'd wanted, and he cared enough to let go. He felt enough that he had to break ties with me in order to do so. When I asked him why he never told me, he said because he wanted me to be happy over anything, even if it hurt him. How fuckin emo sweet is that???

For a few months, we had solidly worked on becoming friends again. Then, the night of Easter Sunday, he had posted on my wall "Happy Zombie Jesus day! Hope yours was great!" or something closely related to this. A few short hours later, he posted on my wall about how he had a family now, and that he needed to concentrate on that, and he needed to let go of his past, and the people that were in it and then deleted me from his facebook. What the fucking fuck?!? Oh my fuck me!! I was CONFUSED I was PISSED. I went without talking to him for awhile, obviously. I waited until I wasn't hurt and mad and I would be able to carry on an adult conversation as to why he would do that to me. He knew everything that was going on in my life, how Doucher was fuckin with my head, and how I felt so God damn broken that I thought I would never date again, let alone love... (I know, collective gasp that The Slut was giving up sex!!) I waited about a month, and I called him at work one night like WTF? Basically, it was the fiancee. He didn't want to lose me, but she was uncomfortable with the friendship. I can respect that, I didn't like it, but I respected it. It pissed me off, cause yeah, I woulda rocked his world had he been single... he wasn't. But had I been her, I probably woulda felt the same as she did. He sends me a request from his other FB profile, and we go back to talking every night. Nothing was going to happen. We'd been friends since middle school for fuck's sake!!

Yeah, so it got to the point where we could talk for two weeks then not be able to talk for two weeks. The sexual tension between us was wicked. He deleted me again, but in a week or two we were talking again. There were old feelings brought up, new feelings confusing everything. I was too scared to admit anything for a hot minute. When I did, he said "You aren't alone in this. But I can't leave her over this, if we don't work... it HAS to be because her and I didn't work, not because of you." I agreed whole heartedly. Not long after that we stopped talking again. He blocked me from his main profile. This time I didn't try for 3 months. Then my mom died. (And that catches you up.. if you read the other blogs. if not, go.read.them.)

Now, things are so weird. How do you go from that.. to this?? Now... I guess you want to know if we hooked up? But I'm not telling you in this blog. I'm just giving you the history, maybe so you can better understand the dynamic of our friendship. I know what I am getting into. I really do. I already told you it almost feels like game. So my guard isn't completely down. But it's down enough to let me like him... let me think of things... I will say.. I am so confused. So fucking confused. I don't know how I should feel about this. I am at a loss. I have never been here before. And I don't know what's coming next, and it scares the fucking shit out of me. Because in the end... it might still just be game.

*BSWK*