This is the time of year that I hate being single. Douchebag and I had years of traditions we observed every year. By this time, we would have our friends gathered in our home, and I would be pulling a smaller, turkey out of the oven. The spread would be laid out... and I left NOTHING to be desired, everything from scratch. Baked bread, 5 different pies, all the trimmings. It was our annual 'Thank God we can go back to normal' party. Music, cards, kids laughing... it was our non blood family, coming together to drink and be merry.
Now, here I am sitting in this house, alone. Not even my Buh here to watch TV with me. I haven't seen nor spoke to anyone in my family today. No one has tried to call me, no one has reached out to me. It's okay.. I guess I don't really need to be with anyone today... I don't want sympathy, I don't want anyone to feel bad for me.... I just want those who are alone too, to know there are others out there who are sitting on the couch, laptop fired up, watching pointless TV, being lonely too.
Tomorrow we would be putting up our tree, and I would be digging out hand made ornaments that would be between 20 and 5 years old. Listening to caroles and laughing together. Tomorrow I am going to sleep all day, get up, and sit here on my laptop, like I do everyday. I won't put up a tree, Sissy B will, but it's not going to be mine. It won't have traditional ornaments on it.
I spent a few hours with Lil Bit and her family today, it was a nice time. It was sweet of Buh's girlfriend's dad to invite both of us to dinner. Video games, food, a movie... Even a nap on the couch. But it wasn't the same. We dropped Buh off with Douchebag and my ex family-in-laws. Douchebag came outside when we pulled in. I hate even being AROUND that asshole. The things that have come from that vile mouth about me... Ugh. Then I came home to an empty house. Sissy B, Midget and the kidders are all at Sissy B's sister's house. Not sure when they will be home.
I've cried a few times since I have been home. I am not a creature of quiet. I am a social butterfly, and feel more myself when surrounded by people to cater to and perform for... ESPECIALLY during the holidays. Tomorrow I will be back to normal. I will be rough and ready with my thick skin firmly back in place. I just really miss having a family. I miss my mom, I miss the laughter, I miss a lot of things.
I absolutely ABHOR being lonely. Guess it's time to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.