So, I have vented a few times about Buh and his issues, I have posted about him now being medicated. I have expressed my undeniable frustration over the whole situation. I have not posted about having to move. Sissy and Midget are running scarce on room, and have asked me to see if I can find somewhere else. I am totally cool with that. They have helped me out, and have made sure that I discontinued my life as a zombie. I love them both so much and could not express the amount of gratitude I have for them just being them.
I am moving in with my dad. This should help Buh immensely. Dad is a Supreme Alpha, and he will not let a pup come in and bark and whine over his howl. And that is what Buh needs. He doesn't see me as an Alpha, so I can't pull that rank with him. I am his Alpha, but I don't do brute strength over him... and that's why he doesn't respect me as such. But Dad will help reinstill that respect. I will also be 'the woman of the house' again. I miss that. I miss planning dinner and taking care of people who need me to take care of them. Here, I'm just not needed like I want to be needed. Sissy takes care of her family.
There are lists and lists of things that are just amazingface reasons that I should just be bouncing up and down that I am moving in with him. I will have a bedroom, and my bed. I haven't had a bedroom of my own in over a year, and the only time I have slept in a bed is if I spent the night with someone. I will have some privacy. I will be able to lose that 15 pounds I want gone. I will be able to have run of the kitchen, the house. He's going to help me get back on my feet, he'll help me with my bills. But... my dad, as much as I love and adore him, is verbally and emotionally abusive.
He has this knack for making me feel worthless. "You know, you might be pretty if you tried hard enough." "It wouldn't hurt you to lose some weight, you are never going to find someone to love you if you are a fat slob" (I weighed 102 pounds when he said that to me. I am only 5'4".) "I don't understand why you are so stupid. You can't do anything right can you??" In front of a PACKED bar one night, my loving father yelled at me that I wasn't smart enough to go to a 'real 4 year college' because I was talking about being a masseuse, and it's an 18 month course then certifications. No, that didn't hurt at all. He has told me that I am the coldest, black heartedest person he'd ever met.... over a girl he was dating. I mean, since I was 13 my nickname has been 'The Bitch.' When DB and I were still married, he would call and if DB answered the phone he would say "What up? Where's The Bitch?" And I would hear... "Baby, your dad's on the phone."
I am hoping I am grown enough, and my grasp on psychology is good enough that I can survive this. I know WHY he does it... or at least I believe I know why. My dad had a very hard life. His biological father was bi-polar and self medicated with mass quantities of alcohol. Alcohol which in turn made him physically abusive to my grandmother and all of his children. When my dad was 9 or so, his dad took off and was never to be seen or heard from again. (Much to the relief of my grandmother.) After he left, my grandmother remarried. My dad and aunts and uncle say that Grandma ruled with an iron fist, and their step-dad (here on out to be Grandpa) was a hard man too. There were a lot of kids. There were times there was no money, and they went without. They got their asses beat, and they learned respect and manners and everything that made them the amazingface people they are today. (MFW all the fucking way!!)
But my dad was a skinny 4 eyed nerd in high school. His brother was Don motherfucking Juan with the girls. Dad was smart, and never got any recognition for it. Unc was a pot head who would fuck anything that moved... and was praised. When my dad and mom got together, he felt like he'd hit the lotto. (Mom was a beauty.... like seriously... even at 14 she was WOW) After being married to my mom, he gained weight, and people still treated him like he was an idiot. His self esteem isn't what it should be. (My dad is a good looking older man. Think broad shoulders, dark hair, piercing blue eyes.)
Along comes baby. I was named after my dad. And Buh was named after my dad. My mother could not have given me a more fitting name. I have his eyes, I have a softer bone structure.. but it's his, I have lighter (natural) hair, but it's just as thick. I sit like him when I am angry, my right elbow on my knee, left hand on my hip, knees spread. I am my father all over again. I have his attitude, his "FUCK YOU. I DO WHAT I WANT!" and the "Fuck you, I'm right." He is who I learned how to be Alpha from. Mom is how I learned how to be Omega.
So maybe his reasoning is... In his view, he is stupid, unattractive, and heavy... and I am him in a female form... I must be stupid, unattractive, and heavy. And he's trying to ready me for what society is going to say about me and to me... He's trying to toughen my skin. Makes a modicum of sense. Kinda. Not really. But I need to rationalize it somehow. Why else would you say such things to your daughter?? This isn't a new development. I have heard this stuff my whole life.
I don't think he's realized what he's done to my self esteem. I know, I know... The Slut?!?! Low self esteem?!?! Yeah... You guys might need to remember that The Slut is just an amp'ed up facet of my personality... but only one facet.
Now you have the other side... maybe someday I will blog about the MegaBeast (my sister) lmfao. I hope I can lean on you guys while I am doin this. <3