Friday, February 24, 2012

Life is about to change....

So, I have vented a few times about Buh and his issues, I have posted about him now being medicated. I have expressed my undeniable frustration over the whole situation. I have not posted about having to move. Sissy and Midget are running scarce on room, and have asked me to see if I can find somewhere else. I am totally cool with that. They have helped me out, and have made sure that I discontinued my life as a zombie. I love them both so much and could not express the amount of gratitude I have for them just being them.

I am moving in with my dad. This should help Buh immensely. Dad is a Supreme Alpha, and he will not let a pup come in and bark and whine over his howl. And that is what Buh needs. He doesn't see me as an Alpha, so I can't pull that rank with him. I am his Alpha, but I don't do brute strength over him... and that's why he doesn't respect me as such. But Dad will help reinstill that respect. I will also be 'the woman of the house' again. I miss that. I miss planning dinner and taking care of people who need me to take care of them. Here, I'm just not needed like I want to be needed. Sissy takes care of her family.

There are lists and lists of things that are just amazingface reasons that I should just be bouncing up and down that I am moving in with him. I will have a bedroom, and my bed. I haven't had a bedroom of my own in over a year, and the only time I have slept in a bed is if I spent the night with someone. I will have some privacy. I will be able to lose that 15 pounds I want gone. I will be able to have run of the kitchen, the house. He's going to help me get back on my feet, he'll help me with my bills. But... my dad, as much as I love and adore him, is verbally and emotionally abusive.

He has this knack for making me feel worthless. "You know, you might be pretty if you tried hard enough." "It wouldn't hurt you to lose some weight, you are never going to find someone to love you if you are a fat slob" (I weighed 102 pounds when he said that to me. I am only 5'4".) "I don't understand why you are so stupid. You can't do anything right can you??" In front of a PACKED bar one night, my loving father yelled at me that I wasn't smart enough to go to a 'real 4 year college' because I was talking about being a masseuse, and it's an 18 month course then certifications. No, that didn't hurt at all. He has told me that I am the coldest, black heartedest person he'd ever met.... over a girl he was dating. I mean, since I was 13 my nickname has been 'The Bitch.' When DB and I were still married, he would call and if DB answered the phone he would say "What up? Where's The Bitch?" And I would hear... "Baby, your dad's on the phone."

I am hoping I am grown enough, and my grasp on psychology is good enough that I can survive this. I know WHY he does it... or at least I believe I know why. My dad had a very hard life. His biological father was bi-polar and self medicated with mass quantities of alcohol. Alcohol which in turn made him physically abusive to my grandmother and all of his children. When my dad was 9 or so, his dad took off and was never to be seen or heard from again. (Much to the relief of my grandmother.) After he left, my grandmother remarried. My dad and aunts and uncle say that Grandma ruled with an iron fist, and their step-dad (here on out to be Grandpa) was a hard man too. There were a lot of kids. There were times there was no money, and they went without. They got their asses beat, and they learned respect and manners and everything that made them the amazingface people they are today. (MFW all the fucking way!!)

But my dad was a skinny 4 eyed nerd in high school. His brother was Don motherfucking Juan with the girls. Dad was smart, and never got any recognition for it. Unc was a pot head who would fuck anything that moved... and was praised. When my dad and mom got together, he felt like he'd hit the lotto. (Mom was a beauty.... like seriously... even at 14 she was WOW) After being married to my mom, he gained weight, and people still treated him like he was an idiot. His self esteem isn't what it should be. (My dad is a good looking older man. Think broad shoulders, dark hair, piercing blue eyes.)

Along comes baby. I was named after my dad. And Buh was named after my dad. My mother could not have given me a more fitting name. I have his eyes, I have a softer bone structure.. but it's his, I have lighter (natural) hair, but it's just as thick. I sit like him when I am angry, my right elbow on my knee, left hand on my hip, knees spread. I am my father all over again. I have his attitude, his "FUCK YOU. I DO WHAT I WANT!" and the "Fuck you, I'm right." He is who I learned how to be Alpha from. Mom is how I learned how to be Omega.

So maybe his reasoning is... In his view, he is stupid, unattractive, and heavy... and I am him in a female form... I must be stupid, unattractive, and heavy. And he's trying to ready me for what society is going to say about me and to me... He's trying to toughen my skin. Makes a modicum of sense. Kinda. Not really. But I need to rationalize it somehow. Why else would you say such things to your daughter?? This isn't a new development. I have heard this stuff my whole life.

I don't think he's realized what he's done to my self esteem. I know, I know... The Slut?!?! Low self esteem?!?! Yeah... You guys might need to remember that The Slut is just an amp'ed up facet of my personality... but only one facet.

Now you have the other side... maybe someday I will blog about the MegaBeast (my sister) lmfao. I hope I can lean on you guys while I am doin this. <3



  1. Heya sweet, man that sounds like a tough ride to run, but from what you say you are prepared for it. When its your parents there's no comeback for it (the story sounds very familiar to me xx) You need to go into this with the full knowledge of just how awesome you are! You have survived and you are on your way to being better, stronger and more YOU than you have had the freedom to be. Stay strong and know that there are thousands of us out here in blog and fb land that understand and are thinking of you. Hell, some of us are finding ourselves in much the situation right now (true story!)
    xx Cass

  2. Honey, not only can you lean on us, we'll fucking carry you if you need us to. You are a beautiful, strong, sensitive, caring woman and a fantastic mom. You do what you need to do, and know that we got your back, sister. <3

  3. I can totally relate to that story, hang in there. I always be on your side, or a shoulder if you need one. Or a hand in hiding the bodies! lol

  4. I'm a 6X8 post so lean away. I won't let you fall.

  5. You're an excellent writer! You're honesty is so refreshing. xxx

    You've helped me understand how you understand yourself... Which is a tough thing to do honestly!

    Thank you, I hope one day I can understand myself as well.

  6. You know I'm here for you. I know you can do this. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I <3 you

  7. I completely relate!! Kudos to you for being brave enough to put it out there!

  8. I had a very bad (ex)husband who loved to bring me down like that too, i thought i wasnt worth the dirt on his shoe, until one day i realized i let him make me feel this way, i let him have that power over me, and as soon as i stopped caring what he said, he couldnt bully me anyone. Bullies get off on the power of hurting someone, in whatever way they can, dont let anyone have that power over you, u know how valuable you are, if he doesnt, well his loss then. Stay strong sexy lady!

  9. *hugs* Slut you are only as weak, unattractive, stupid as you allow him to make you. We all know better. including you. this might be tough but I am sure you will pass this test with flying colors and be as awesome, if not more, as you are now <3
    you have My email if you need to talk...


  10. Well it looks like you got lots of support and that is really cool, kinda gives you a warm fuzzy feeling to know that under all the sarcasm and shit talking on your page that deep down there are people that really care.I wished you lived in Cali. cause I have a spare room, don't know if that would work though since I haven't even met you and I already love you :)))You have my sincerest regards and prayers that everything works out the best for you. You must know that he cares and loves you if he is letting you move in and although I think I know the situation there is always something on the wayside but I do think I get the gist of it. I know you are probably not really looking for advice, just a show of support and a damn strong block wall to lean against (hope the Ass has a good footing), just one suggestion which might be way out there but you could think about printing up the blog and giving it to your father to read in it's entirety. Once again you have alot of support mine included. yol bolson Richard O. Wells

  11. I thought I was reading my own post...lean on me girl...we all have to stick together as adult children of mentally deranged parents! :)

  12. You can lean on us through anything!