Hey guys. How are all of you? I am swamped under a mountain of crap. Seems like every turn there's more. But I'll get through it.. I hope. lol. Figured I would blog a personal blog for a catch up.. seewhutididthere?
Last night, DB called me and said "Can you come over? We need to talk." I haven't talked much about the hell I went through with that situation, or the serious mind games that were played on me, and I really don't want to. Let's say I was very nervous about what was needing to be talked about. I've known DB for over half my life, and if anyone in the world knows how to yank heartstrings or push buttons on me... You guessed it. There's nothing we couldn't have talked about over the phone in my opinion. But, curiosity got the best of me, and I went. Standing in what used to be our home, with what used to be my everything, and my used to be mother in law and father in law there, I prepared myself for what I thought would be a tidal wave of emotion. I haven't been around DB in months, barely spoken to each other since my mother died.
We talked about Buh. His attitude, his choices, the road he is on. Again, in my opinion, nothing that couldn't have been discussed through Facebook, or on the phone. There were a lot of "I'm not trying to fight with you's" and "I'm not saying you fucked up's." There were even a few "I'm sorry's." I can't handle the I'm sorry's. I can't handle a few other choice sentences that were uttered. So, I used the only weapon I had. I talked about the other guys in my life, namely Ass. He has a knack for making people nervous and I like that. I knew that I had to hold on to something other than the years of laughing and love that would be the death of me again. So I talked about my best guy friend, who without even knowing it, helped me be strong. I talked about hanging out with The Boy and beta. And the funny things that have happened with them, even told an inside joke or two.
I thought I would come home and cry myself to sleep. I thought I would feel empty and hurt and devastated. I thought I would be slapped right back where I was a year ago. But I wasn't. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt a little. It did. It hurt more than I wanted it to. Especially when the "I miss this..." conversation started. And I let it happen, encouraged even. It made me feel better that there were things about me that the replacement couldn't touch, memories that won't be erased, feelings that are so ingrained that they have become a part of DB's expectations, and no one will live up to them. "She's just different than you." I had to have heard that 6 million times. Yes, she's different. She ain't me. She won't ever be. There's only one of me.... and I really really hope DB, that you realize how badly you fucked up. How someone else is going to eventually claim and enjoy how good of a woman I am.
I know I come across as seriously full of myself. But I really am not. I'm not the prettiest, I don't have the best body, I can be a cunt, I can be lazy and "unpredictable" (just a fancy way of saying moody. lmfao) But I am also fiercely loyal, sweet, accommodating, and I love to the point of worship. DB knows this. And since DB was an Alpha, thrived on it. I hope a thorn is in the side of your mistakes DB, I hope you rue the day you thought you were upgrading.
Now, I am not putting this out there to be reassured of my amazingface being. I am putting it out there because I need an outlet. And this is it. I know that I am a catch... but I am only lookin to be part of the catch and release program right now. Even if DB decided that a reconciliation was in order, I don't think I could do it. Maybe if an obstacle course through hell was set up and four or five trips through had happened, that's a big maybe kinda probably not. I'd rather make mistakes with someone new. And not until the bridge is there to cross.
Anylaid, Buh is doing horrible. I can't figure it out. DB said he's interested in going to the vocational high school in the area. Which is cool. But he HAS to make it through this year to even HOPE to be accepted. But he doesn't give a shit about it. I talked to my step mom for a little bit tonight and she said that with her and my dad's situation right now, she may be able to talk him into making us come stay with them for an extended period. This would be good for Buh. My dad is a supreme Alpha. I am in my 30s and to.this.day. if my dad snaps his fingers at me, I jump. I was taught to obey at an early age. I've had ex boyfriends that stared in awe at this marvelous talent my father has. Most say "TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT!" and he chuckles and says, "Son, you'll never be able to do that." And I concur.
Okay, I have been writing this blog for about 2 hours. Write, get something to drink, smoke break, bullshit with The Golden Licket Holder, edit, bullshit with beta, rewrite, go to the bathroom, check out making a graphic for The Smitten Kitten, edit, bullshit with my stepmom, rewrite, edit, delete this whole paragraph because it says too much, look up a different genre of music, send random 'I need to bitch, make me feel better' message to Ass, write, stamp and publish. I hope it was good for you. ;)
Maybe next 'my life' blog will be about my family... and how twisted we are. lol